SAM: Rebekkah?

REBEKKAH: Yes, Daddy?

SAM: What’s this?

REBEKKAH: Oh, shit.

SAM: Well, I don’t think that’s what it is, but you’re still not wrong, I guess.

REBEKKAH: Panties?

SAM: No… No, I’ve seen panties, this is something else.

REBEKKAH: Well, I use them just like panties.

SAM: These are not typically used quite the same as panties.

REBEKKAH: Oh, really, Daddy? How are they used?

SAM: Is there something you’re not telling me?

REBEKKAH: I don’t know. Is there something you don’t want me telling you?

SAM: Are you doing something you think I don’t want to know about?

REBEKKAH: Is there something you don’t want me doing?

SAM: Rebekkah. You’re sixteen.

REBEKKAH: I do remember my last birthday, Dad.

SAM: If you want to have a boyfriend, that’s fine, I won’t get mad—

REBEKKAH: Uh-huh.

SAM: I won’t get territorial or possessive.

REBEKKAH: Sure, Dad.

SAM: But these aren’t just boyfriend panties, Rebekkah Emerald Shields. This is a thong.

REBEKKAH: Is that how you pronounce it? Gee.

SAM: Now, are you just wearing these for… practice?

REBEKKAH: Right now, I’m not wearing them at all. You’re holding them.

SAM: Rebekkah.

REBEKKAH: Do you have any idea how weird it is for your dad to talk to his daughter about thongs?

SAM: I shouldn’t have to talk to my daughter about thongs. She shouldn’t be wearing them!

REBEKKAH: Better than the alternative, though, aren’t they? Like, the alternative being… Not wearing a thong?

SAM: Tell me you’re not having sex.

REBEKKAH: I am not having sex.

SAM: Are you telling the truth?

REBEKKAH: That wasn’t part of the deal.

SAM: Rebekkah!

REBEKKAH: Well what if I was having sex? You just said you wouldn’t get “territorial” if I had a boyfriend.

SAM: Having a boyfriend is not the same thing as having sex. You can have a boyfriend and not be having sex. Conversely, it is also possible to have sex without having a boyfriend and that, my dear daughter, is every father’s nightmare situation!

REBEKKAH: Oh, really? That’s the nightmare? Come on, Dad, there’s way worse things than a sixteen-year-old having sex.

SAM: Well, at least use protection.

REBEKKAH: If I was having sex, Dad, do you really think I’d be stupid enough not to?

SAM: Both kinds! The pill and the, the other thing.

REBEKKAH: Condoms?

SAM: Yes, those.

REBEKKAH: I’ve been on the pill for two years, Dad. You buy them for me?

SAM: Do you have a boyfriend, though?

REBEKKAH: Oh my God!

SAM: Well, I just wish you would tell me!

REBEKKAH: Why?

SAM: Because I want to be part of your life! Because I can feel you shutting me out.

REBEKKAH: Well, can you blame me? Look at you, you don’t even know what is going on and you’re freaking out.

SAM: Well maybe I wouldn’t if I did know!

REBEKKAH: But it’s none of your business!

SAM: Yes it is. Because you are sixteen and I am your father and there is no one else, no one else whose business it could be. Maybe this conversation would be easier on you if it was your mom, but that’s not an option. Lord knows it’d be easier on me.

REBEKKAH: What if I was a boy? Would it be easier on you then?

SAM: It’d be different.

REBEKKAH: Would you teach me all the tricks? Encourage me? Tell me to “buck up, kiddo, you’ll be having sex before you know it!”

SAM: You will be having sex before you know it. So why rush things? You’re right, it isn’t fair, the expectations that we put on women. Girls. We have to teach you to protect yourselves and we don’t think we have to bother teaching anything like that to boys. We don’t think of them as needing protection in the same way, so instead we teach them how to achieve and we don’t think about how the ways they’ll be achieving are what make girls need protection. If I had a son, I’d like to think I’d teach him how he can protect women, too. Or at least not be a threat.

REBEKKAH: What about a son-in-law?

SAM: Do not bring up marriage, young lady, don’t you dare!

REBEKKAH: I mean, like, if I did have a boyfriend.

SAM: It wouldn’t be someone I knew as well as you.

REBEKKAH: How well do you really know me?

SAM: I think I know you well enough. But much as I trust you as a judge of character… I’d still want to meet him.

REBEKKAH: And what would you say to him?

SAM: I’d tell him what a wonderful, precious jewel you are, and what happen to him if he breaks you.

REBEKKAH: So… you’d threaten him. That’s nice.

SAM: Did I say that? No, I’d just… Quietly inform him of what it would do to him if you actuallly were that person.

REBEKKAH: Aw. You would make completely empty threats. That’s so sweet of you. I’m not having sex, by the way. Like you said, those are for practice. And ‘cause they make me feel… I don’t know.

SAM: I know. I know. You were lying. Told you I knew you well enough.

CRYSTAL: Hey.

JORDAN: Hi.

CRYSTAL: Um.

JORDAN: Sup?

CRYSTAL: Whatcha doin’ here?

JORDAN: Oh, I just, you know, thought I’d come out and see you.

CRYSTAL: Don’t you live like an hour and a half away?

JORDAN: So? Got nothing better to do. What’s going on? We talked about uh. Maybe going to see a movie? You said you might be…

CRYSTAL: That’s when I thought you were gonna be out here anyway. You had that job?

JORDAN: Yeah, sorry I wasn’t able to get away.

CRYSTAL: Yeah, I was, too, but like…

JORDAN: What? You don’t wanna hang out?

CRYSTAL: What’s going on here?

JORDAN: You said you wanted to hang out.

CRYSTAL: Yeah, but like, an hour and a hal drive both ways? That’s not hanging out, Jordan, that’s—

JORDAN: I have been known to drive three times that far just to watch a play. I mean, it’s what I do, it gives me time to listen to audiobooks. What’s wrong?

CRYSTAL: What do you want from me?

JORDAN: To hang out? Like we said?

CRYSTAL: And that’s it?

JORDAN: That’s what we said.

CRYSTAL: You’re not after more?

JORDAN: More? What, like…

CRYSTAL: Like you’re not trying to turn this into a date?

JORDAN: Ew. No.

CRYSTAL: I’m sorry—ew?

JORDAN: No, it’s just—I mean, I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just that’s not how I think about you.

CRYSTAL: Seriously?

JORDAN: Oh, what, you think you’re all that?

CRYSTAL: It’s just that, in my experience, when a guy goes to that much effort, it means that he’s after a little something more.

JORDAN: Well, I’m not.

CRYSTAL: Well, I don’t believe you.

JORDAN: Well then.

CRYSTAL: Do you seriously not see me that way?

JORDAN: You were the one who said we should hang out!

CRYSTAL: That was before you drove an hour and a half just to see me, I mean what’s up with that?

JORDAN: I don’t have a lot of friends! OK? That’s what’s with that, is I’m kinda pathetic. It’s not about sex or romance, it’s about I thought we had fun hanging out.

CRYSTAL: I still don’t believe you.

JORDAN: What do you want me to say?

CRYSTAL: Right now, I don’t want you to say anything. I want you to leave.

JORDAN: All right.

CRYSTAL: No, hold on.

JORDAN: Yes?

CRYSTAL: Why not?

JORDAN: Why not what?

CRYSTAL: Why don’t you find me attractive?

JORDAN: Oh, so you do want to hear that now?

CRYSTAL: I just wanna hear what you’ll say.

JORDAN: I never said I didn’t find you attractive. I’m just not attracted to you. You are attractive. Objectively. You’re gorgeous, definitely out of my league—

CRYSTAL: So you figure you don’t have a shot anyway.

JORDAN: Oh, don’t flatter yourself, honey. That’s my job. No, I just, hanging out is great, but I don’t, I just don’t think we’d work out long-term.

CRYSTAL: Why not?

JORDAN: You want the truth? Because you’re a skinny blonde who doesn’t like Star Trek.

CRYSTAL: Lots of girls don’t like Star Trek. In fact, I think most girls don’t actually like Star Trek.

JORDAN: All the women in my family love it. Most of my female friends have loved it. I’d even go so far as to say it is sexist to assume that a woman is not a Trekkie. So why would I settle for that?

CRYSTAL: But you like me anyway?

JORDAN: As a friend. Like I say, I don’t have many friends.

CRYSTAL: Yeah, I can see why.

JORDAN: Yeah. Yeah, so can I.

CRYSTAL: Seriously, though, how is “skinny blonde” a bad thing?

JORDAN: Look, you’re just not my type, OK?

This one comes with a TRIGGER WARNING. Explicit matters discussed.

ASHLEY: So how you been? It’s been, like…

JESSIFER: Two years. Since we talked. More or less.

ASHLEY: Right. Yeah. Hey, um, is it true that… um…

JESSIFER: What?

ASHLEY: I mean um… Are you seeing anybody?

JESSIFER: Yes, what you have heard is true. I am dating two different guys. They both know about each other. No, we do not have threesomes—one of them gets really freaked out by that whole, like, idea.

ASHLEY: I wasn’t gonna—

JESSIFER: I know, I just like to get this shit out of the way. How about you? Are you seeing anybody?

ASHLEY: Oh, um.

JESSIFER: Heard you went out with John Paris. He’s cute. Not really my type, seems like kind of a… I’m gonna say “square”?

ASHLEY: Yeah. Yeah, he does kind of give that impression. Listen, I… I’m sorry about…

JESSIFER: Dropping off the face of the earth?

ASHLEY: Yeah.

JESSIFER: It happens. I’m over it.

ASHLEY: It’s just, I… Back then…

JESSIFER: I get it. People talk. Jessifer’s a big slut, right? Just like her mom? Never mind that my parents have been together more than twenty years and still fuck pretty regularly. I’m sorry, am I shocking you?

ASHLEY: No, it’s okay.

JESSIFER: ‘Cause, I mean, you asked me here. After all this time. Figured there had to be a reason you stopped talking to me, right?

ASHLEY: Listen, I… I’ve been thinking about that, about how… How I’ve judged you?

JESSIFER: M-hmm.

ASHLEY: I’m sorry.

JESSIFER: Apology accepted.

ASHLEY: Thank you.

JESSIFER: You’re welcome. So what’s changed?

ASHLEY: What?

JESSIFER: Why are you bothering to make amends? Why now? What’s changed?

ASHLEY: Oh, um… I just wanted to talk.

JESSIFER: About…

ASHLEY: There’s just some stuff that I can’t really talk to my other friends about.

JESSIFER: Are you gonna make me guess what kind of stuff? Is this about sex?

ASHLEY: Yeah. Yes. I mean, ‘cause, I mean, you’ve had sex, right?

JESSIFER: I have.

ASHLEY: I mean, you seem pretty open about it, pretty non-judgmental.

JESSIFER: What’s there to judge?

ASHLEY: My other friends are very judgmental.

JESSIFER: Yeah. Have you had sex?

ASHLEY: Um.

JESSIFER: Or are you thinking about having sex? I mean… John Paris. That guy’s a… Isn’t he kinda gung-ho for Jesus or something? Wait, he hasn’t… OK, so… Let me take a step back here. Why are we talking about sex? Are you… do you want to be having sex?

ASHLEY: I don’t know—

JESSIFER: OK, so that’s a no. If you don’t know, if you aren’t absolutely sure that you want to be having sex, then you do not want to be having sex enough that you should be having sex.

ASHLEY: OK.

JESSIFER: Has he been pressuring you? I mean, that seems a little out of character. Oh, God. Ashley. Did something happen?

ASHLEY: I don’t know.

JESSIFER: Did he—

ASHLEY: I’m okay—

JESSIFER: Oh, sweetie, no. No, you’re not okay. I’m sorry. It was him, wasn’t it?

ASHLEY: Nothing…

JESSIFER: Ashley.

ASHLEY: I didn’t—

JESSIFER: Did you say yes?

ASHLEY: Maybe?

JESSIFER: Did you say no?

ASHLEY: I don’t… It just happened so fast, OK?

JESSIFER: What happened? Sweetie? What happened?

ASHLEY: I’m not like you, OK? I can’t just talk about this!

JESSIFER: Then why did you ask me here? Ashley, please, honey, I promise you will feel better if you actually talk about it. Just let it out.

ASHLEY: But if I talk about it, then…

JESSIFER: Then it’ll become real. Which is good. You want it to be real. It happened. Pretending that it didn’t isn’t going to help anybody. Least of all you.

ASHLEY: I didn’t say no.

JESSIFER: Did you say yes?

ASHLEY: I don’t know.

JESSIFER: Did you ask him to stop?

ASHLEY: I don’t… I don’t think that he did anything wrong.

JESSIFER: But you didn’t want to do it?

ASHLEY: I don’t think that I really communicated that to him, though.

JESSIFER: It’s not your job to communicate to him that you don’t want to have sex. If you do want to have sex, that’s what you communicate.

ASHLEY: I’m supposed to see him again. Later tonight.

JESSIFER: Is that what you want? How do you feel about him?

ASHLEY: He’s not who I thought he was.

JESSIFER: Yeah, from what you’re saying, he’s not who I thought he might be, either. I mean, I figured him for a jerk, but I just had the angle all wrong. Hey, it’s okay.

ASHLEY: I just keep thinking, you know… What did I do? What made me…

JESSIFER: You didn’t do anything.

ASHLEY: But he was such a nice guy!

JESSIFER: No. He’s not. You can’t blame yourself for that.

ASHLEY: I feel dirty.

JESSIFER: Why?

ASHLEY: Because now… I mean, even though… I didn’t want it. I didn’t. I really didn’t. But now…

JESSIFER: Why “dirty”, though? Why that word?

ASHLEY: ‘Cause like… I don’t know.

JESSIFER: Are you saying that you want sex now? Or that you’re, like, curious, at least? I mean, first of all, wow, that’s not a reaction that a lot of girls have, at least not from what I’ve heard, to that kind of experience—and that’s okay. It’s okay to, you know, you feel what you feel, just… Why “dirty”?

ASHLEY: Because now I want sex.

JESSIFER: What’s dirty about that?

ASHLEY: Don’t you ever…

JESSIFER: No! Do I feel dirty? No! Sex is not “dirty”. It can be slimy and it can be sweaty, but I mean, that’s the fun part. It can be gross, I guess, especially if you’re not used to it, or if people have told you specifically that you need to be grossed out by it. And, OK, I guess if you don’t do it right, it can be… unsanitary? But it doesn’t sound like that’s what you mean. Is it?

ASHLEY: It’s just, it’s not how I think of myself, you know? I’m not that kind of girl.

JESSIFER: What kind of girl are you? What kind of girl is the kind of girl who doesn’t want to have sex?

ASHLEY: I’m… I don’t know, sweet. You know?

JESSIFER: You don’t think I’m sweet? I mean, I know I can be blunt sometimes, but…

ASHLEY: I mean, no, I don’t mean, like… It’s not that you’re not a good person, that’s not what I’m saying at all, but… I always thought of myself as, you know, innocent.

JESSIFER: You don’t think I’m innocent?

ASHLEY: I mean, have you heard yourself talk?

JESSIFER: I’m sorry, does having sex make a person “guilty”? Is that what we’ve come to here? And I’m not talking about what happened to you; what John Paris did, that definitely does make him guilty. But where’s the crime in being curious or even, sure, I’ll say it, being lustful when it comes to sex? What does that have to do with Innocence? Some of the worst atrocities ever committed were committed by people who were actively trying to stop sex from happening, to curb sexual desire—sex isn’t a crime! If anything, for most of history, sex has been the victim. So don’t feel “dirty” about wanting it. Feel… I don’t know, feel powerful. Feel good about yourself. You’re out here reclaiming your sexuality, reclaiming this beautiful thing that’s been beaten, you know? And tarnished, dragged through the mud. Think of it as like… Think of it as like a dog, like this itty bitty pupper that never did nothing to nobody but be kind and sweet, but you can tell it’s been just, somebody just thrashed the poor thing to within an inch of its life. And you don’t know who, because, I don’t know, they’re gone, they don’t even matter anymore, but now you’ve got this cute little puppy that makes you feel… I don’t know, some kinda way about the world, it doesn’t matter. So now you’ve got the opportunity to take that poor, abused little doggy, maybe it’s a pitbull, you know, and everybody’s always told you pitbulls are mean, but it’s this cute little doggie, and so you take that cute little doggie, you take this precious thing, and you help it become something beautiful.

ASHLEY: Did you just compare sex to a dog?

JESSIFER: What? I like dogs. Do you see what I mean, though? It doesn’t have to be dirty. It’s a beautiful thing! Despite, you know… everything.

ASHLEY: Are you telling me I should get back on that horse?

JESSIFER: Sorry, it’s funny how sex is a horse now, instead of a dog. But do you want to get back on it? Is that what you want? ‘Cause, I mean, if that’s what you want, I could probably hook you up. My boys are pretty obedient and I don’t mind sharing ‘em. That sounded so wrong, I’m sorry, I can tell you’re shocke again, and that’s not what I meant, but like, I’m sorry. My point is, if that is what you want, I mean look at you, you would not have any trouble finding another horse to get onto, maybe one that’s a little better behaved? And not a jack-ass? Sorry, I’m having way too much fun with that metaphor now. But, like, is that what you want?

ASHLEY: I don’t know.

JESSIFER: Well, what did we say about not being sure? You know, the other thing they don’t really tell you. It’s okay to just be curious. You know, to be that, without actually acting on it. If this was how you’d always felt, I’m betting we wouldn’t have not been friends for the last two years. So this is, like, a new thing for you, from the sound of it. So I’d say, just be curious for a while.

ASHLEY: What about John Paris?

JESSIFER: Oh, fuck that guy. I mean, not, like… Never mind. Don’t “fuck” John Paris.

ASHLEY: What should I do, though?

JESSIFER: Well, first of all, I would say, as your friend, cancel whatever you had going on with him tonight, and maybe tomorrow at school, make it clear to him—in a very public space—that you don’t want to see him anymore, because he is a villain.

ASHLEY: Should I report him?

JESSIFER: I really want to say yes, to that. But in this town? Honestly, it’s likely to hurt you more than it’ll hurt him. I mean, for the purposes of statistics, I would still say yes, you should definitely report him, even if nothing legal actually happens, but I mean, you need to know the risks of the situation. You need to know that… that could actually put you in more danger.

ASHLEY: So you think I should let it go?

JESSIFER: I think that you should let go of him. But I want to be very clear about this, too, I am not saying that John Paris ought to go unpunished.

ASHLEY: So then… what?

JESSIFER: Do you really want to know?

ASHLEY: I don’t know. Do I?

JESSIFER: You know what I said before about how sex doesn’t necessarily make a person not innocent anymore?

ASHLEY: Yeah?

JESSIFER: Let’s just say that there are other things that might make me guilty.

AMBER: Hi, honey. How did your midterm go?

NOAH: It was fine.

AMBER: What’s wrong? Don’t I get a kiss? OK, now you have to tell me what’s wrong.

NOAH: I think I’m gay. I’m sorry. I know this is… my timing… I just, I think it’s something that I’ve… You don’t know my parents, they would…

AMBER: Oh my God, you’re serious. But we just had sex, though. Just, like, last night. And then again this morning.

NOAH: I know.

AMBER: What, did you just… Did something…

NOAH: It’s not you.

AMBER: No, I know it’s not me, dammit, Noah! I’m not… I know how this works! I know you can’t just wave a wand or fuck someone so bad they turn gay, I know that’s not how it works.

NOAH: Well, for some lesbians, maybe. Sorry.

AMBER: Are you joking right now? Is that where you think we are? You are breaking up with me! You are breaking up with me less than twenty-four hours after taking my virginity! Am I supposed to care that it’s because of something you can’t help? What happened?

NOAH: Well, I mean, nothing. I was born this way.

AMBER: But how did you not know yesterday, and then…

NOAH: It just… I don’t know, it’s been… brewing.

AMBER: I can’t believe how much I want to hit you right now.

NOAH: I guess if that’s what it takes—

AMBER: Oh, fuck you, Noah!

NOAH: Sorry.

AMBER: What if I’d gotten pregnant? Did you even…

NOAH: Would you have kept it?

AMBER: Well what if I did!

NOAH: I suppose I would’ve… done the right thing.

AMBER: Would you have married me?

NOAH: Would you marry a man knowing he’s gay? I’d have told you.

AMBER: Why did you sleep with me? I mean, obviously it’s not because you think I’m pretty.

NOAH: Of course I think you’re pretty—

AMBER: Stop it. Was I an experiment? Just trying to make sure?

NOAH: I thought I loved you. I do, I think, just not… And I could tell how much you wanted to, so, I mean. I’m sorry. For everything, not just the timing.

AMBER: Two years, Noah. I could’ve gone to Duke.

NOAH: You were never going to go to Duke.

AMBER: No, but I could’ve!

NOAH: You’ll find someone else. You know, if you want, I could put in a good word for you, tell people how good you are in bed.

AMBER: Would anyone believe you, though, since you’re a raging queen?

NOAH: Oh, honey, I’ll make ‘em!

AMBER: Please don’t.

WRENT: You’re behind it, aren’t you?

ALEX: The sofa?

WRENT: The set-up. The whole Romeo and Juliet drama we got going on at school right now You do know Mercutio died, right? And then, like everybody else?

ALEX: What are you actually upset about? Did you want to be included?

WRENT: Why didn’t you include me? Huh? Is it because you knew I’m in love with her?

ALEX: I actually didn’t know that. So…

WRENT: You knew. Come on. You knew.

ALEX: No, you see, what I actually do know is that I specifically asked you if you had a crush on her, if you had feelings for her, and you said no.

WRENT: Oh, come on! Why did you even ask me, if you…

ALEX: I thought you might. It’s why I asked. If you’d been honest with me, maybe I’d’ve helped you, but I mean, it’s too late now. She’s with him.

WRENT: All because of you.

ALEX: Not all. They had a natural affinity, like achemistry together.

WRENT: And you know that from your own extensive love-life.

ALEX: It’s not about quantity. It’s about observation.

WRENT: And you weren’t able to observe that your best friend—

ALEX: That’s why I asked!

WRENT: You should’ve told me. You should’ve told me what you were doing. Instead, you and Ruth went off and did your own thing without telling anybody.

ALEX: You’re right. I should’ve told you. I’m sorry. But I want you to think about the implications here: you had information that was relevant to something I was planning. You didn’t share it. You kept it to yourself. You didn’t trust me.

WRENT: I didn’t trust myself.

ALEX: You see the problem here.

CORINNE: Hey.

MARJORIE: Hi.

CORINNE: You mind if I…

MARJORIE: It’s your lungs.

CORINNE: Not concerned with the whole second-hand thing?

MARJORIE: You’re downwind. I’ll survive.

CORINNE: You smell pretty good. Speaking of downwind. Must be some kind of hair thing. You want one?

MARJORIE: I don’t smoke.

CORINNE: How ‘bout weed? Can I smoke you out?

MARJORIE: What part of “I don’t smoke”—

CORINNE: Pot’s different, though. You know?

MARJORIE: Yeah. It’s illegal.

CORINNE: Oh. I see. One of those, are you.

MARJORIE: Yes. I am one of those. For that matter, smoking under eighteen is illegal, too.

CORINNE: I’m not under eighteen.

MARJORIE: Well, good. Good for you.

CORINNE: You waiting on someone? Just trying to make conversation.

MARJORIE: My friend Shannon. We’re supposed to go to a thing.

CORINNE: To a thing?

MARJORIE: To the mall. We’re going to the mall, OK?

CORINNE: You do that a lot?

MARJORIE: I don’t know.

CORINNE: You don’t seem too happy about it.

MARJORIE: Seriously?

CORINNE: I’m just saying—

MARJORIE: Well, don’t.

CORINNE: Do you have a problem with the mall? You just sound kinda—

MARJORIE: It’s not the mall I have a problem with.

CORINNE: OK.

MARJORIE: Whatever. I just wish there was something more to do in this town.

CORINNE: You could go hiking. Hang out in Sherman square—

MARJORIE: Yeah, if you wanna get assaulted—

CORINNE: I didn’t mean, like, at night. Go to the drum circle—

MARJORIE: And with the weed again!

CORINNE: Not everybody there smokes weed. You don’t have to smoke weed. Ever smoke crack? Just thought I’d ask. Well, since you asked so kindly, I’m actually here waiting for my brother to pick me up.

MARJORIE: Cool.

CORINNE: He’s giving me a ride to the abortion clinic. Oh, not for me. I just volunteer sometimes. Yeah, no abortions for me, things’d have to get really… Am I making you uncomfortable? It’s okay, you can say so. Is your friend late? I’m stuck here for another half hour at least, till Ryan gets off work; that’s my brother, Ryan. Not real talkative, are you?

MARJORIE: Depends.

CORINNE: Look, I’m sorry if I… I don’t know, it’s this thing I do, I guess, I like to press people’s buttons. Sometimes it’s… But I am trying to be nice. Nice to have someone to talk to.

MARJORIE: Then why do you dress like that?

CORINNE: Wait—this is about how I dress? Seriously? That’s where this went? OK, fine, what about the way I dress?

MARJORIE: It’s just all doom and gloom, you know?

CORINNE: What? Just ‘cause it’s all black? I wear all black ‘cause it’s easier to match things together. And people don’t notice as much if there are, you know, stains. I guess if they’re white, but like…

MARJORIE: Oh, trust me, they notice.

CORINNE: Shit, girl, you don’t see me getting all up in your grill over what you wear!

MARJORIE: What’s wrong with what I wear?

CORINNE: It’s fucking pink.

MARJORIE: It’s green and, like, fuschia.

CORINNE: Well, it might as well be fucking pink. You get that shit at the mall, too? I know it’s your favorite place.

MARJORIE: I like showing people who I am.

CORINNE: Pink?

MARJORIE: Yes!

CORINNE: Your boyfriend like that?

MARJORIE: Yes, he does.

CORINNE: You don’t have a boyfriend.

MARJORIE: How do you know?

CORINNE: ‘Cause you’re fucking popular.

MARJORIE: He doesn’t go here.

CORINNE: Oh, ‘cause he lives in Canadia?

MARJORIE: What?

CORINNE: Uh. Never mind. You’re so far in the closet it’s hardly even worth fighting the Ice Queen for you.

MARJORIE: Excuse me!

CORINNE: Look, forget it, OK? Guess you got enough people buying your act now, you’re starting to believe it yourself.

MARJORIE: What the fuck are you talking about?

CORINNE: You know damn well what I’m talking about. Look, forget it, OK? Pink suits you. Really brings out the hypocrisy in your eyes. Is that your friend?

MARJORIE: What’s wrong with pink?

CORINNE: She’s hot. Kinda jealous. Also dresses better than you, ‘cause this? Nah. I’m not buying this.

MARJORIE: Well, cool, ‘cause I’m not selling it. By-e!

CORINNE: Hey, have fun in the closet! Buying clothes. At the mall.

RODERICK: Hey. Hey, hey, hey, where’d you think you’re going?

JEMIMA: Out. Out, Daddy, I’m going out!

RODERICK: Oh, you think so, huh?

JEMIMA: I know so.

RODERICK: Well, then, you got another thing coming.

JEMIMA: Let me go!

RODERICK: What is the matter with you!

JEMIMA: You can’t keep me cooped up in here forever!

RODERICK: Well, I’m not the one keeping you cooped up, am I?

(baby crying from the next room)

RODERICK: You gonna get that, Jemima? Hey. Kid. Baby needs his momma.

JEMIMA: I just don’t understand why you can’t take care of him. Just, like, a couple nights a week.

RODERICK: So you can go out with that boy again?

JEMIMA: Daddy, you know we’re not together, that was just a…

RODERICK: What, just a one-time thing?

JEMIMA: Yes! And it hasn’t happened since. I know it was a… I wasn’t thinking. But now we got Ricky.

RODERICK: Who’s “we”?

JEMIMA: All of us, Daddy. You’re the granddaddy, now, don’t you go messing with that.

RODERICK: Well, if that boy isn’t with you, why don’t you make him take care of the kid? Or his parents? Hell, they got more kids than sense already–

JEMIMA: They don’t know.

RODERICK: They don’t know he’s the father?

JEMIMA: They think it was Toby.

RODERICK: That gay kid?

JEMIMA: He’s not gay, Dad.

RODERICK: He might as well be.

JEMIMA: It shoulda been Toby. If it’d been Toby, then… Why’d you have to be your Daddy’s son? You know I wouldn’t do it again.

RODERICK: I know no such thing.

JEMIMA: You really think I’d be that stupid? Twice?

RODERICK: You really want me to answer that? How could they not know? How could you not tell them?

JEMIMA: I just figured they got enough to worry about–

RODERICK: That boy knocked you up! He knocked you up, and now he’s getting away with it! Listen to me. A Daddy has responsibilities.

JEMIMA: Like what?

RODERICK: Like providing.

JEMIMA: Like providing what?

RODERICK: Security. A roof over your head. Why’d you think I didn’t kick you outta the house when you got knocked up at fifteen? You’re my daughter, and a father is supposed to take care of his daughter. Or his son.

JEMIMA: Shouldn’t a father also be able to make his kids feel safe? To make ‘em feel happy?

RODERICK: Not if it means lettin’ ‘em go off and be crazy–

JEMIMA: I’m not going to be crazy, Dad, I’ll probably just go out to a movie or something, but I will start going crazy if you keep me cooped up in here! I need a life, dad.

RODERICK: So’s Ricky.

JEMIMA: Well, right now, Ricky’s in a phase, see, where he likes the simple things. Things even you can provide him, since there’s milk in the damn fridge, and it is not–it is not healthy for a mom to spend every waking second with her baby and not have a life.

RODERICK: Where you gonna be?

JEMIMA: I don’t know yet, but I’ll have my cell-phone. I won’t be more’n fifteen minutes away, I swear.

RODERICK: All right, give ‘im to me.

JEMIMA: Thank you, Daddy.

RODERICK: What you lookin’ at, huh, kid?

CAITLIN: Morning, roomie.

DARRYL: Well, isn’t this a surprise. You know, it’s funny, I was just having this dream that you moved into my apartment.

CAITLIN: And then you woke up—

DARRYL: And then I woke up, and boom!

CAITLIN: Oh my God! Dreams really do come true! Especially when they’re an exact replica of the last thirty-six hours we’ve spent moving!

DARRYL: I know! Isn’t that weird?

CAITLIN: You’re such a dork.

DARRYL: You’re one to talk. In your Ninja Turtles pajamas?

CAITLIN: Uh, these are your pajamas!

DARRYL: Are they, though? ‘Cause they don’t fit me anymore!

CAITLIN: Shut up! You want breakfast?

DARRYL: Aw, shit. I was gonna wake up early and bring you breakfast in bed.

CAITLIN: But you suck at breakfast.

DARRYL: I know, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

CAITLIN: Not if you ruin my pancake mix again, it’s not. Besides, we agreed you don’t need to be a gentleman—

DARRYL: I never agreed to that.

CAITLIN: Fine, I agreed that you never need to be a gentleman. We can do the third-wave thing, I’ll do the cooking because you suck at it—

DARRYL: I suck at breakfast, but!

CAITLIN: Ugh!

DARRYL: You said you liked my pesto thing—

CAITLIN: I did like the pesto thing—

DARRYL: And you still haven’t—oh my God, you haven’t had my cookies! How did I get you to move in with me without even tasting my cookies!

CAITLIN: I guess you’re just that good.

DARRYL: You mentioned breakfast.

CAITLIN: I believe you mentioned breakfast.

DARRYL: You spoke of making the breakfast. Mind if I join you? We shall repair to what is now to be known as “our” kitchen.

CAITLIN: Um, I have seen the way you keep that room even when you know you’ll have company over? That is now my kitchen.

DARRYL: Well, look at you.

CAITLIN: You really haven’t ever lived with a girl before, have you?

DARRYL: Other than my mom?

CAITLIN: Definitely not counting her.

DARRYL: I don’t know, you know, in college I did have a roommate who always had his girlfriend over, she practically lived with us.

CAITLIN: Did she bring all her furniture?

DARRYL: No.

CAITLIN: I hope you realize that there is an enormous difference between me having a drawer at your place for sleepovers and us actually living together.

DARRYL: I realize that, just like I realize I am never getting those Ninja Turtle pajamas back.

CAITLIN: Well, good. They don’t fit you anyway. Dork.

DARRYL: Have you ever lived with a guy before?

CAITLIN: Um… well…

DARRYL: You have, haven’t you? It’s okay, I’m not jealous. Unless I should be—should I be jealous? Do I have anything to be jealous about?

CAITLIN: I mean, if you wanna get mad about guys who are completely out of the picture, I won’t stop you. I mean, I’ll leave you, obviously, ‘cause that’s a huge red flag—

DARRYL: Obviously.

CAITLIN: Do you really wanna know?

DARRYL: Do you wanna tell me? It’s okay if you don’t.

CAITLIN: I have not ever moved in with someone I was dating.

DARRYL: OK…

CAITLIN: But I did once have sex with a roommate?

DARRYL: Oh…

CAITLIN: No! Not like—A male roommate, you perv!

DARRYL: How is that pervy?

CAITLIN: ‘Cause it’s—ugh!

DARRYL: How would it not be pervy, just ‘cause it was a guy?

CAITLIN: Oh my God!

DARRYL: So did he become your boyfriend then?

CAITLIN: No. It just got super awkward. And then I finally moved out. Is that it? Is that cool? Is this weird?

DARRYL: You had sex with your roommate. History repeats itself.

CAITLIN: Did you really think I had sex with a girl? Why would you think that?

DARRYL: I’m actually kinda surprised that you haven’t.

CAITLIN: You thought I was bi?

DARRYL: Most of the girls that I’ve dated have been bi. Hell, most of the girls I’ve been close friends with have been bi, to some extent. In college, I used to say society seems to think that girls are bi until proven straight.

CAITLIN: What about lesbians?

DARRYL: Society doesn’t believe in lesbians. They just “haven’t found the right man yet.”

CAITLIN: What about guys?

DARRYL: Men are straight until proven gay.

CAITLIN: Huh.

DARRYL: Because once you’ve had cock, you never go… bock?

CAITLIN: You did that on purpose!

DARRYL: Just a little bit.

CAITLIN: Wait, so you assumed I had been with a girl even though you’ve never been with a guy?

DARRYL: Well…

CAITLIN: Oh my God, you have?

DARRYL: That possibility seems to really disturb you.

CAITLIN: I mean… I don’t know… It just really never even occurred to me…

DARRYL: Well, I’ve never had sex with a man—

CAITLIN: Oh. OK. But???

DARRYL: But I did have one really hot makeout session in college.

CAITLIN: Oh, well, I mean, I’ve made out with a girl.

DARRYL: Oh, good. That’s a comfort, at least.

CAITLIN: A comfort?

DARRYL: At least I know you’re not a complete freak.

CAITLIN: Shut up. No, I mean, yeah, there’s nothing weird about that.

DARRYL: So, no possibility of a threesome, then?

CAITLIN: Oh, is that what you were gunning for?

DARRYL: We lure some innocent girl to our lair—or guy, I’m not picky—

CAITLIN: Every woman dreams of having two men at the same time: one for the ironing, the other does the dishes.

DARRYL: What happened to third wave?

CAITLIN: I’m still making you breakfast. Perv.

DARRYL: Is there something wrong with me? Like, physically? I mean, I know I’m not the most attractive guy on campus, but I mean, shit, even ugly people manage to get dates, right? Am I too… is there something about me that turns girls off? Can they see some kind of sign flashing over my head that says “do not date this man!”? Tell me, please, I wanna know.

RACHEL: OK, first of all, the girls you keep crushing on are all stunningly gorgeous, congratulations, you have excellent taste. Second, you’re not that bad yourself. So maybe… stop whining. Which brings us to, thirdly, stop having conversations like this with girls, it’s unattractive, particularly stop having conversations like this with me, which brings us to number I’ve lost count–

DARRYL: Four.

RACHEL: Thank you, four, thank you. Number four, you little crybaby, stop bitching to me about you can’t get laid, you could’ve had me freshman year.

DARRYL: Wait, what?

RACHEL: O-ho. You don’t remember this? Let me just jog that memory for you there, sport. I was a girl, you were a boy, we were at a party, everyone else was hooking up, I was all the fuck over you, you whiny little bitch, but no, I wasn’t the skinny little dirty redhead whore you had a thing for. You wanted her. I wanted you. She wanted Jeffrey, you remember that party?

DARRYL: Fuck.

RACHEL: You remember that, don’t you? If I’d’ve had my hand on your penis, I couldn’t’ve been more explicit, but you wouldn’t give me the time of day. Ask me how I know you’re not a boobsman.

DARRYL: I am a boobs man!

RACHEL: Oh, please.

DARRYL: You wanted to date me?

RACHEL: More importantly, I wanted you to fuck me.

DARRYL: Oh. Well, then what are we waiting for?

RACHEL: Not so fast there, tiger. That’s part of what sucks about being a woman. Can’t really talk to a guy about your feelings until you’re over him. Besides, you don’t want me. If you did… you don’t want me, Darryl. I ain’t the girl for you.

DARRYL: You’re right. I don’t have those feelings for you–

RACHEL: Not what I meant.

DARRYL: What?

RACHEL: Two years ago, Darryl, I was ready to wear you like a coat every day, and to Church on Sunday. I thought you were just the hottest piece of ass I could lay my hands on, but I knew you weren’t for me. I wanted you for sex. But you were looking for love. Probably shouldn’t’ve been, but… But now the tables have turned. The last two years, man, I been round the block! And you haven’t. Forget love, Darryl, you gots to get laid. Pronto. And me? I gotta stop letting guys treat me like that.

DARRYL: So let me see if I get this straight. You’re telling me to do to other girls exactly what you want other guys not to do to you?

RACHEL: Way of the world, kid.

DARRYL: Just as long as we’re clear on that.

MARK: Close the door, please.

CAITLIN: Do I have to?

MARK: Please. Have a seat.

CAITLIN: So what’s this about?

MARK: I just wanted to see how you were doing.

CAITLIN: Why?

MARK: Well, I know you’ve been going through some life changes. Moving can be stressful.

CAITLIN: Did you notice my life-changes by the quality of my work?

MARK: No.

CAITLIN: Then why are we here?

MARK: I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.

CAITLIN: Do you have reason to believe that I’m not okay?

MARK: Do you have a problem with me, Caitlin?

CAITLIN: Do you have a problem with me? Mark?

MARK: I’m trying to keep the lines of communication open. Is there something you feel you need to say to me? Is there something you would feel more comfortable saying to someone else? Like Natasha?

CAITLIN: If there was, would I tell you first?

MARK: Look, I’m just trying to make sure things keep running smoothly here. If you have a problem that you’d prefer not to discuss with me, I really wish you’d go to Natasha, who has experience with this, rather than tittering off in the back with Kaitlyn—with the other Kaitlyn.

CAITLIN: And why isn’t she here for this?

MARK: I don’t want you worrying about Kaitlyn—

CAITLIN: Do you not want me talking to Kaitlyn?

MARK: I would prefer it if you didn’t gossip with Kaitlyn.

CAITLIN: And what makes you think we’ve been gossiping?

MARK: Have you been gossiping?

CAITLIN: Exactly what is it that you don’t want us to say?

MARK: Look, say whatever you want. But if you have a problem, it should go through H. R. Keeping it between yourselves is not appropriate workplace behavior.

CAITLIN: I see. Can I go now?

MARK: Caitlin.

CAITLIN: Yes, Mark.

MARK: Nothing. Just. Keep up the good work.