Category Archives: The Essence of Longing

No Way Out of It

RODERICK: Hey. Hey, hey, hey, where’d you think you’re going?

JEMIMA: Out. Out, Daddy, I’m going out!

RODERICK: Oh, you think so, huh?

JEMIMA: I know so.

RODERICK: Well, then, you got another thing coming.

JEMIMA: Let me go!

RODERICK: What is the matter with you!

JEMIMA: You can’t keep me cooped up in here forever!

RODERICK: Well, I’m not the one keeping you cooped up, am I?

(baby crying from the next room)

RODERICK: You gonna get that, Jemima? Hey. Kid. Baby needs his momma.

JEMIMA: I just don’t understand why you can’t take care of him. Just, like, a couple nights a week.

RODERICK: So you can go out with that boy again?

JEMIMA: Daddy, you know we’re not together, that was just a…

RODERICK: What, just a one-time thing?

JEMIMA: Yes! And it hasn’t happened since. I know it was a… I wasn’t thinking. But now we got Ricky.

RODERICK: Who’s “we”?

JEMIMA: All of us, Daddy. You’re the granddaddy, now, don’t you go messing with that.

RODERICK: Well, if that boy isn’t with you, why don’t you make him take care of the kid? Or his parents? Hell, they got more kids than sense already–

JEMIMA: They don’t know.

RODERICK: They don’t know he’s the father?

JEMIMA: They think it was Toby.

RODERICK: That gay kid?

JEMIMA: He’s not gay, Dad.

RODERICK: He might as well be.

JEMIMA: It shoulda been Toby. If it’d been Toby, then… Why’d you have to be your Daddy’s son? You know I wouldn’t do it again.

RODERICK: I know no such thing.

JEMIMA: You really think I’d be that stupid? Twice?

RODERICK: You really want me to answer that? How could they not know? How could you not tell them?

JEMIMA: I just figured they got enough to worry about–

RODERICK: That boy knocked you up! He knocked you up, and now he’s getting away with it! Listen to me. A Daddy has responsibilities.

JEMIMA: Like what?

RODERICK: Like providing.

JEMIMA: Like providing what?

RODERICK: Security. A roof over your head. Why’d you think I didn’t kick you outta the house when you got knocked up at fifteen? You’re my daughter, and a father is supposed to take care of his daughter. Or his son.

JEMIMA: Shouldn’t a father also be able to make his kids feel safe? To make ‘em feel happy?

RODERICK: Not if it means lettin’ ‘em go off and be crazy–

JEMIMA: I’m not going to be crazy, Dad, I’ll probably just go out to a movie or something, but I will start going crazy if you keep me cooped up in here! I need a life, dad.

RODERICK: So’s Ricky.

JEMIMA: Well, right now, Ricky’s in a phase, see, where he likes the simple things. Things even you can provide him, since there’s milk in the damn fridge, and it is not–it is not healthy for a mom to spend every waking second with her baby and not have a life.

RODERICK: Where you gonna be?

JEMIMA: I don’t know yet, but I’ll have my cell-phone. I won’t be more’n fifteen minutes away, I swear.

RODERICK: All right, give ‘im to me.

JEMIMA: Thank you, Daddy.

RODERICK: What you lookin’ at, huh, kid?


Moving In

CAITLIN: Morning, roomie.

DARRYL: Well, isn’t this a surprise. You know, it’s funny, I was just having this dream that you moved into my apartment.

CAITLIN: And then you woke up—

DARRYL: And then I woke up, and boom!

CAITLIN: Oh my God! Dreams really do come true! Especially when they’re an exact replica of the last thirty-six hours we’ve spent moving!

DARRYL: I know! Isn’t that weird?

CAITLIN: You’re such a dork.

DARRYL: You’re one to talk. In your Ninja Turtles pajamas?

CAITLIN: Uh, these are your pajamas!

DARRYL: Are they, though? ‘Cause they don’t fit me anymore!

CAITLIN: Shut up! You want breakfast?

DARRYL: Aw, shit. I was gonna wake up early and bring you breakfast in bed.

CAITLIN: But you suck at breakfast.

DARRYL: I know, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

CAITLIN: Not if you ruin my pancake mix again, it’s not. Besides, we agreed you don’t need to be a gentleman—

DARRYL: I never agreed to that.

CAITLIN: Fine, I agreed that you never need to be a gentleman. We can do the third-wave thing, I’ll do the cooking because you suck at it—

DARRYL: I suck at breakfast, but!


DARRYL: You said you liked my pesto thing—

CAITLIN: I did like the pesto thing—

DARRYL: And you still haven’t—oh my God, you haven’t had my cookies! How did I get you to move in with me without even tasting my cookies!

CAITLIN: I guess you’re just that good.

DARRYL: You mentioned breakfast.

CAITLIN: I believe you mentioned breakfast.

DARRYL: You spoke of making the breakfast. Mind if I join you? We shall repair to what is now to be known as “our” kitchen.

CAITLIN: Um, I have seen the way you keep that room even when you know you’ll have company over? That is now my kitchen.

DARRYL: Well, look at you.

CAITLIN: You really haven’t ever lived with a girl before, have you?

DARRYL: Other than my mom?

CAITLIN: Definitely not counting her.

DARRYL: I don’t know, you know, in college I did have a roommate who always had his girlfriend over, she practically lived with us.

CAITLIN: Did she bring all her furniture?


CAITLIN: I hope you realize that there is an enormous difference between me having a drawer at your place for sleepovers and us actually living together.

DARRYL: I realize that, just like I realize I am never getting those Ninja Turtle pajamas back.

CAITLIN: Well, good. They don’t fit you anyway. Dork.

DARRYL: Have you ever lived with a guy before?

CAITLIN: Um… well…

DARRYL: You have, haven’t you? It’s okay, I’m not jealous. Unless I should be—should I be jealous? Do I have anything to be jealous about?

CAITLIN: I mean, if you wanna get mad about guys who are completely out of the picture, I won’t stop you. I mean, I’ll leave you, obviously, ‘cause that’s a huge red flag—

DARRYL: Obviously.

CAITLIN: Do you really wanna know?

DARRYL: Do you wanna tell me? It’s okay if you don’t.

CAITLIN: I have not ever moved in with someone I was dating.


CAITLIN: But I did once have sex with a roommate?


CAITLIN: No! Not like—A male roommate, you perv!

DARRYL: How is that pervy?

CAITLIN: ‘Cause it’s—ugh!

DARRYL: How would it not be pervy, just ‘cause it was a guy?

CAITLIN: Oh my God!

DARRYL: So did he become your boyfriend then?

CAITLIN: No. It just got super awkward. And then I finally moved out. Is that it? Is that cool? Is this weird?

DARRYL: You had sex with your roommate. History repeats itself.

CAITLIN: Did you really think I had sex with a girl? Why would you think that?

DARRYL: I’m actually kinda surprised that you haven’t.

CAITLIN: You thought I was bi?

DARRYL: Most of the girls that I’ve dated have been bi. Hell, most of the girls I’ve been close friends with have been bi, to some extent. In college, I used to say society seems to think that girls are bi until proven straight.

CAITLIN: What about lesbians?

DARRYL: Society doesn’t believe in lesbians. They just “haven’t found the right man yet.”

CAITLIN: What about guys?

DARRYL: Men are straight until proven gay.


DARRYL: Because once you’ve had cock, you never go… bock?

CAITLIN: You did that on purpose!

DARRYL: Just a little bit.

CAITLIN: Wait, so you assumed I had been with a girl even though you’ve never been with a guy?


CAITLIN: Oh my God, you have?

DARRYL: That possibility seems to really disturb you.

CAITLIN: I mean… I don’t know… It just really never even occurred to me…

DARRYL: Well, I’ve never had sex with a man—

CAITLIN: Oh. OK. But???

DARRYL: But I did have one really hot makeout session in college.

CAITLIN: Oh, well, I mean, I’ve made out with a girl.

DARRYL: Oh, good. That’s a comfort, at least.

CAITLIN: A comfort?

DARRYL: At least I know you’re not a complete freak.

CAITLIN: Shut up. No, I mean, yeah, there’s nothing weird about that.

DARRYL: So, no possibility of a threesome, then?

CAITLIN: Oh, is that what you were gunning for?

DARRYL: We lure some innocent girl to our lair—or guy, I’m not picky—

CAITLIN: Every woman dreams of having two men at the same time: one for the ironing, the other does the dishes.

DARRYL: What happened to third wave?

CAITLIN: I’m still making you breakfast. Perv.

Gothic Romance

DARRYL: Is there something wrong with me? Like, physically? I mean, I know I’m not the most attractive guy on campus, but I mean, shit, even ugly people manage to get dates, right? Am I too… is there something about me that turns girls off? Can they see some kind of sign flashing over my head that says “do not date this man!”? Tell me, please, I wanna know.

RACHEL: OK, first of all, the girls you keep crushing on are all stunningly gorgeous, congratulations, you have excellent taste. Second, you’re not that bad yourself. So maybe… stop whining. Which brings us to, thirdly, stop having conversations like this with girls, it’s unattractive, particularly stop having conversations like this with me, which brings us to number I’ve lost count–


RACHEL: Thank you, four, thank you. Number four, you little crybaby, stop bitching to me about you can’t get laid, you could’ve had me freshman year.

DARRYL: Wait, what?

RACHEL: O-ho. You don’t remember this? Let me just jog that memory for you there, sport. I was a girl, you were a boy, we were at a party, everyone else was hooking up, I was all the fuck over you, you whiny little bitch, but no, I wasn’t the skinny little dirty redhead whore you had a thing for. You wanted her. I wanted you. She wanted Jeffrey, you remember that party?


RACHEL: You remember that, don’t you? If I’d’ve had my hand on your penis, I couldn’t’ve been more explicit, but you wouldn’t give me the time of day. Ask me how I know you’re not a boobsman.

DARRYL: I am a boobs man!

RACHEL: Oh, please.

DARRYL: You wanted to date me?

RACHEL: More importantly, I wanted you to fuck me.

DARRYL: Oh. Well, then what are we waiting for?

RACHEL: Not so fast there, tiger. That’s part of what sucks about being a woman. Can’t really talk to a guy about your feelings until you’re over him. Besides, you don’t want me. If you did… you don’t want me, Darryl. I ain’t the girl for you.

DARRYL: You’re right. I don’t have those feelings for you–

RACHEL: Not what I meant.


RACHEL: Two years ago, Darryl, I was ready to wear you like a coat every day, and to Church on Sunday. I thought you were just the hottest piece of ass I could lay my hands on, but I knew you weren’t for me. I wanted you for sex. But you were looking for love. Probably shouldn’t’ve been, but… But now the tables have turned. The last two years, man, I been round the block! And you haven’t. Forget love, Darryl, you gots to get laid. Pronto. And me? I gotta stop letting guys treat me like that.

DARRYL: So let me see if I get this straight. You’re telling me to do to other girls exactly what you want other guys not to do to you?

RACHEL: Way of the world, kid.

DARRYL: Just as long as we’re clear on that.

Appropriate Behavior

MARK: Close the door, please.

CAITLIN: Do I have to?

MARK: Please. Have a seat.

CAITLIN: So what’s this about?

MARK: I just wanted to see how you were doing.


MARK: Well, I know you’ve been going through some life changes. Moving can be stressful.

CAITLIN: Did you notice my life-changes by the quality of my work?


CAITLIN: Then why are we here?

MARK: I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.

CAITLIN: Do you have reason to believe that I’m not okay?

MARK: Do you have a problem with me, Caitlin?

CAITLIN: Do you have a problem with me? Mark?

MARK: I’m trying to keep the lines of communication open. Is there something you feel you need to say to me? Is there something you would feel more comfortable saying to someone else? Like Natasha?

CAITLIN: If there was, would I tell you first?

MARK: Look, I’m just trying to make sure things keep running smoothly here. If you have a problem that you’d prefer not to discuss with me, I really wish you’d go to Natasha, who has experience with this, rather than tittering off in the back with Kaitlyn—with the other Kaitlyn.

CAITLIN: And why isn’t she here for this?

MARK: I don’t want you worrying about Kaitlyn—

CAITLIN: Do you not want me talking to Kaitlyn?

MARK: I would prefer it if you didn’t gossip with Kaitlyn.

CAITLIN: And what makes you think we’ve been gossiping?

MARK: Have you been gossiping?

CAITLIN: Exactly what is it that you don’t want us to say?

MARK: Look, say whatever you want. But if you have a problem, it should go through H. R. Keeping it between yourselves is not appropriate workplace behavior.

CAITLIN: I see. Can I go now?

MARK: Caitlin.

CAITLIN: Yes, Mark.

MARK: Nothing. Just. Keep up the good work.

Leagues Away

BLAIR: So are you going to homecoming?

HANNAH: I don’t know yet.

BLAIR: No one’s asked you?

HANNAH: I don’t know if I even want them to. It’s lame, right?

BLAIR: It’s not so bad if you got someone to go with. And I guess even if you don’t… I don’t know. Lots of folks’ll be there, right?

HANNAH: But you’re taking Rose, right?

BLAIR: Yeah.

HANNAH: How’s that going?

BLAIR: Good. Why? How else would it be going?

HANNAH: You mean other than the fact that she’s not the one you wanted?

BLAIR: She’s the one I’m with, though. Look—Sandy, she was never an option.

HANNAH: Did you even try? Did you even go there?

BLAIR: What the fuck makes you think I didn’t go there?

HANNAH: I just… don’t understand why…

BLAIR: What?

HANNAH: Why any girl in her right mind would not want to date you. You’re still friends with her, right? Sandy?

BLAIR: Yeah.

HANNAH: Is she, like, a lesbian?


HANNAH: Are you sure?

BLAIR: It’s like she’s… I don’t know, sometimes it’s just… it’s like she’s just above it all. You know?

HANNAH: Above what?

BLAIR: All of it. Relationships, sex. It’s like she’s been there and…

HANNAH: Did you ever make a move?

BLAIR: I wouldn’t even know how. And you know, the more I think about it…


BLAIR: I’m not even sure that I really… want… her. Sandy.

HANNAH: You have been pining over her all year, so, like–

BLAIR: I have not–

HANNAH: Uh, yeah, actually, you have.

BLAIR: It’s just, do you ever… I mean, I don’t know, ‘cause you’re a girl–

HANNAH: Oh, really? I’m a girl?

BLAIR: I mean, you know what I mean–

HANNAH: No, I don’t think I do. Enlighten me.

BLAIR: Guys have… you know… fantasies.

HANNAH: About sex?

BLAIR: Yeah.

HANNAH: Hold on, do you seriously think that I don’t fantasize about sex?

BLAIR: … Well…

HANNAH: Oh, honey.

BLAIR: I mean, okay, yeah, I guess there is that–

HANNAH: Is this going somewhere?

BLAIR: When I fantasize… I mean, I’ve tried, but… I just can’t seem to fantasize about her. She’s all… it’s like she’s…

HANNAH: Out of your league?

BLAIR: It’s like she’s on a whole other planet. Like she’s a different species that isn’t even compatible.

HANNAH: I know what that feels like…

BLAIR: But anyway, there’s Rose.

HANNAH: Right.

BLAIR: So you want me to help find you a date? For homecoming?


BLAIR: You sure?

BLAIR: Think I could get Alex to—

HANNAH: Ew. No. Thanks, though.

BLAIR: Anyway, thanks for the talk.

HANNAH: You’re welcome. For the talk. Hey, Blair?


HANNAH: Tell Rose I said hi, OK?



Faceless Perceptions

CHAD CHETWIN: Hey, there.

LILY LASSITER: Oh, shit, really?

CHAD: Um… I’m sorry?

LILY: No, I’m sorry, it’s just… All right, fine, let’s hear it.

CHAD: Hear… what?

LILY: The line. Come on, give me the line, what is it?

CHAD: What… line? You mean a pick-up line?

LILY: Yeah! What, you don’t have one?

CHAD: I… no–

LILY: What kind of guy comes to a bar and doesn’t have a pick-up line ready?

CHAD: I don’t know, they usually just… happen.

LILY: Well, you’re an attractive enough guy, you probably don’t even really need one, you probably got women falling all over you all the time.

CHAD: Well, I mean… I don’t know, I like to think it’s more ‘cause I’m… you know, I’m a sensitive guy.

LILY: A sensitive guy? A sensitive guy? Oh, wow! Oh my God, that’s adorable.

CHAD: What? I am!

LILY: Is that why you came over here? Is it? Is it because you’re a sensitive guy?

CHAD: Well… yeah, I mean, why not?

LILY: Is it because you sensed that I was in some kind of distress and needed your company and while you’re at it, maybe even your cock?

CHAD: … Do you?

LILY: You are just too freaking much.

CHAD: What? You looked lonely.

LILY: You didn’t come over here because I looked lonely.

CHAD: Well, then why did I come over here?

LILY: You tell me.

CHAD: Can I buy you a drink?

LILY: Nope. Not until you tell me why you came over here. Why me? What can you tell about me just by looking at me? From across the room, what can you tell about me?

CHAD: What do you want from me?

LILY: Answer the question.

CHAD: You’re in a bar. A singles bar. You’re at the bar. And you’re wearing that.

LILY: Oh, so it’s what I’m wearing, now?

CHAD: What do you want from me?

LILY: What do you want from me?

CHAD: No, I answered your question, things I can tell just by looking at you from across the room–

LILY: That wasn’t an answer, and it’s not what I asked–

CHAD: Wasn’t an answer? Jesus!

LILY: No, you weren’t being honest with me.

CHAD: Oh, I wasn’t bein–so now you know me better than I know me? OK, answer me this. What kind of person comes to a singles bar just to be a bitch to guys trying to be nice to her?

LILY: You see that girl over there? She’s been sitting here longer than I have, you’re the third guy who’s come up to me, care to guess how many drinks she’s gotten? See how her eyes keep going around the room–no, don’t stare, that’s rude. See how she’s looking around, though? I’m here waiting for my publicist, who wants to meet me at a bar because guess what, she’s not the kind of girl guys go after either. Now she’s late, and I have to deal with assholes who think that just because I’m pretty means I need their attention. Have a nice life, asshole.

Too Soon?

HENDRIX: You got it?

REED: I got it.

HENDRIX: Well, that should make Tanner happy. You wanna tell him?

REED: You tell him. He gets too excited when I talk.

HENDRIX: Seriously? Didn’t you just move in with your boyfriend? He needs to back off.

REED: Are you gonna tell him that?

HENDRIX: Isn’t that such a sad situation, though? Wait, but you did move in with him, right?

REED: With Darryl. Yeah. Yesterday. We just spent our first night together in our new place. Well, my new place. His old place. But I’ve officially taken charge of the kitchen.

HENDRIX: Really? That’s so 1950s.

REED: You haven’t seen him try to cook. I’ll make him help me, though. Just because it’s my kitchen doesn’t mean he’s not my, like, slave. You know?

HENDRIX: Even if it was his kitchen, he should still be your slave. But seriously, though, how long have you been dating that guy?

REED: Two months.

HENDRIX: And you started dating, like, right after you met him, right?

REED: We spent a couple weeks flirting at the bookstore. Although, I had to tell him after the fact that it counted as flirting.

HENDRIX: Is he really that clueless?

REED: He’s really just shy. I don’t know. I like it. Better than the alternative, anyway.

HENDRIX: Which is what?

REED: Tanner.

HENDRIX: Good point. But, like, seriously, though, two months?

REED: I know. I know. It’s quick.

HENDRIX: It’s kinda crazy.

REED: That’s kind of how I feel about him, though. And I mean, you know me, I do not… I do not feel that way easily. I’m not one of those girls. I don’t know. He just gets me.

HENDRIX: But do you really know him? Like, have you met his parents?

REED: I have actually Skyped with his parents. So while I haven’t met them in person, I almost feel closer to them right now than I do to my own parents–

HENDRIX: And has he met your parents?

REED: No, but that’s my fault, I don’t want to introduce him to my parents.

HENDRIX: Yeah, OK, I guess that’s fair. Are we gonna use this?

REED: How many have we got?

HENDRIX: Like, umpteen. And a half.

REED: Well, we’re not using the half.

HENDRIX: Right, but what about this one?

REED: I think we got enough.

HENDRIX: You think so?

REED: Yeah.

HENDRIX: But you’re not sure?

REED: I am, like, ninety-five percent sure that we will not need that specific–what are you getting at?

HENDRIX: Are you more or less sure of this jam than you are about moving in with your boyfriend?

REED: Give me that! Bitch! That is not funny!

HENDRIX: I had you going there for a second.

REED: I cannot believe you!

HENDRIX: OK, so, on your wedding day–

REED: Oh, God!

HENDRIX: Because I will totally be your Maid of Honor, let’s face this. On our wedding day, this is going to be the story that I tell. And I am going to include–

REED: The fact that you did it just so could talk about it on my wedding-day?

HENDRIX: And I am going to include your answer. Are you more sure of this–what’s this called?

REED: It’s a brace! Honestly, you call yourself a carpenter?

HENDRIX: Are you more sure of this brace than you are of your current boyfriend?


HENDRIX: No? You’re not?

REED: Wait, what?

HENDRIX: You’re less sure about your boyfriend than you are about this brace?

REED: No! What? That’s not funny!

HENDRIX: This is gonna be the best wedding story ever!

REED: You are being purposefully confusing! And also, I am not getting married.


REED: Yet.

HENDRIX: But at the rate you’re going–

REED: Hey!