The Theory of Consent

DARRYL: Can you believe Mason Goddard?

LYDIA: Nope.

DARRYL: That guy is a maniac! A maniac!

LYDIA: Are you comfortable?

DARRYL: My stomach is. My head still isn’t sure what’s going on.

LYDIA: How much did you drink?

DARRYL: I’m gonna go with… yes.

LYDIA: Gotcha.

DARRYL: You didn’t drink, did you?

LYDIA: Seventeen, remember?

DARRYL: Oh, like that’s ever really stopped anyone.

LYDIA: I don’t approve of drinking.

DARRYL: Well, excuse the hell out of me.

LYDIA: No, you’re fine. I just don’t approve of me drinking. You’re actually kind of funny when you’re drunk.

DARRYL: As opposed to when I’m sober?

LYDIA: No, you’re funny when you’re sober, too.

DARRYL: Funny, how?

LYDIA: Funny-looking. I’m just kidding.

DARRYL: Hold on, why are you here?

LYDIA: You asked me to come up.

DARRYL: I don’t remember asking you to come up.

LYDIA: Well… you kept talking. Never said goodbye. And I had to make sure you weren’t going to kill yourself on those stairs. Where are your roommates?

DARRYL: I don’t care. Jeffrey’s probably off saving the world or something, and Adrian’s… probably off being Adrian.

LYDIA: Are they likely to interrupt us?

DARRYL: What are you doing?

LYDIA: Seducing you. Why? What does it look like I’m doing?

DARRYL: Se…ducing me? Which is not… a thing that you should be doing… No, no, wait, stop.

LYDIA: Why?

DARRYL: Because you’re seventeen.

LYDIA: North Carolina law states that seventeen-year-olds are allowed to give consent as long as the other party is within five years of their age. I checked.

DARRYL: With who?

LYDIA: … Mason Goddard?

DARRYL: You expect a theatre director to be versed in the intricacies of sex law? Fuck, I just said sex in front of the horny seventeen-year-old.

LYDIA: You’re afraid that’s going to make me more horny?

DARRYL: Yes.

LYDIA: You’re probably right. It’s probably just that you said sex in front of me, that makes me want to have sex with you, and not the fact that you’re an older male who is not just a sexy dork–

DARRYL: There’s no such thing as a sexy dork–

LYDIA: You don’t get to make that call!

DARRYL: Sorry.

LYDIA: Not just a sexy dork, but one who is kind and respectful and knows Shakespeare better than a lot of the so-called experts in our outdoor-Shakespeare community–

DARRYL: Well, I don’t know about that–

LYDIA: Shut up! I’m speaking. I will tell drunk person when drunk person is allowed to speak again. Now where was I?

DARRYL: Shakespeare?

LYDIA: Right. Because Shakespeare has never, in the history of the world, made a woman swoon and want to have sex with a man that she isn’t supposed to want to have sex with, for whatever reason.

DARRYL: Women aren’t supposed to want to have sex anyway. That’s why “wanton” is derogatational.

LYDIA: Are you aware that you’re talking like Dogberry in Much Ado?

DARRYL: I am an ass.

LYDIA: You’re drunk, I don’t think you get to make that call, either–

DARRYL: Hold on, did you just say you were trying to seduce me? Wait–you kissed me!

LYDIA: Yes, I did.

DARRYL: Are you taking advantage of me?

LYDIA: Isn’t that what you want me to do?

DARRYL: I know I’m drunk, but that still sounded like a loaded question.

LYDIA: You know, for a drunk man, you seem disappointingly un-horny.

DARRYL: That’s because the person trying to seduce me is a seventeen-year-old.

LYDIA: Well, that was unkind.

DARRYL: You’re supposed to be a unkind to seventeen-year-olds who are seducing you. Anything else could give them the wrong idea.

LYDIA: What if she already has the wrong idea?

DARRYL: … I don’t know what that means, I’m drunk and we’re talking too fast.

LYDIA: Then maybe we should stop talking.

DARRYL: Do you have any idea how unethical you’re being?

LYDIA: Seducing a drunk man?

DARRYL: Yeah.

LYDIA: I’m seventeen, I don’t know any better.

DARRYL: Well, I do.

LYDIA: No, you don’t. You’re drunk.

DARRYL: That’s not how it works. Stop it!

LYDIA: No one’s going to press charges. I talked to Patrick.

DARRYL: Your uncle?

LYDIA: He’s my legal guardian. He wouldn’t press charges. Parental consent.

DARRYL: I don’t think that’s… that’s still not…

LYDIA: Do you want to have sex with me? Do you?

DARRYL: No.

LYDIA: No?

DARRYL: No, I don’t want to have sex with you.

LYDIA: Why not?!

DARRYL: Because you’re fat. And ugly. And morally reprehansitive.

LYDIA: I’m sorry, Darryl, but you’re just not that good of an actor.

DARRYL: Get out of my house, Lydia.

LYDIA: You don’t want me to go–

DARRYL: Get out of my house! Thank you for the ride, but you… need to leave now.

LYDIA: Or what?

DARRYL: Or I’ll call the police.

LYDIA: Where’s your phone?

DARRYL: Dammit–Lydia, what did you do with my phone?

LYDIA: You’ll get it back after you have sex with me.

DARRYL: You’re full of shit, it’s right here–Hey!

LYDIA: You’ll get it back after you have sex with me.

DARRYL: Is that really how you want to do this?

LYDIA: Do you really want to keep saying no? Come on, Darryl. I want you.

DARRYL: Stop it.

LYDIA: I want you to be my first.

DARRYL: Oh, God! Oh, fuck, Lydia, if you hadn’t’ve said that!

LYDIA: Does that turn you on?

DARRYL: No, it doesn’t! Listen to me. You don’t want your first time to be with someone who’s drunk, and you also don’t want your first time to be with someone who doesn’t care about you as much as you care about him.

LYDIA: Are you saying you don’t care about me?

DARRYL: Does it look like I care about you as much as you care about me? See, right there, you had to think about it. Which means you’re not really sure, ‘cause I’m drunk and I can still confuse you, ‘cause I’m–‘cause I got ninja skills and stuff.

LYDIA: Shouldn’t it be my decision, though? Shouldn’t I be the one who makes decisions about my own body? Shouldn’t that mean that I’m the one who gets to decide when I’m ready, and who I want to be ready with?

DARRYL: It is your decision. But you need the other guy’s consent, too. And I’m drunk. And you’re still seventeen, and I’m… I’m saying no.

LYDIA: Why does that only make me want to fuck you more?

DARRYL: Because you’re seventeen, and you’re horny, and you’re… smart enough to want the right guy, even if, I don’t know, I guess seventeen-year-olds only like the nice guy when he’s older or something, I’m not sure how that works.

LYDIA: We want someone more mature.

DARRYL: Yeah, sure. You’re still not leaving.

LYDIA: I want to kiss you one more time.

DARRYL: No, you don’t. You want me to kiss you.

LYDIA: I won’t tell anybody–

DARRYL: They’re theatre folks, they already know.

LYDIA: Thank you. So, um… you think maybe sometime when you’re not so drunk. And I’m not so seventeen…

DARRYL: Neither one of us should be making any promises right now. But sure, drunk as I am… If I wasn’t so drunk, and you weren’t so seventeen… I was lying when I said you were ugly.

LYDIA: I know.

DARRYL: And I’m sorry about that.

LYDIA: It’s okay. One more kiss. Thank you.