AMBER: Hi, honey. How did your midterm go?
NOAH: It was fine.
AMBER: What’s wrong? Don’t I get a kiss? OK, now you have to tell me what’s wrong.
NOAH: I think I’m gay. I’m sorry. I know this is… my timing… I just, I think it’s something that I’ve… You don’t know my parents, they would…
AMBER: Oh my God, you’re serious. But we just had sex, though. Just, like, last night. And then again this morning.
NOAH: I know.
AMBER: What, did you just… Did something…
NOAH: It’s not you.
AMBER: No, I know it’s not me, dammit, Noah! I’m not… I know how this works! I know you can’t just wave a wand or fuck someone so bad they turn gay, I know that’s not how it works.
NOAH: Well, for some lesbians, maybe. Sorry.
AMBER: Are you joking right now? Is that where you think we are? You are breaking up with me! You are breaking up with me less than twenty-four hours after taking my virginity! Am I supposed to care that it’s because of something you can’t help? What happened?
NOAH: Well, I mean, nothing. I was born this way.
AMBER: But how did you not know yesterday, and then…
NOAH: It just… I don’t know, it’s been… brewing.
AMBER: I can’t believe how much I want to hit you right now.
NOAH: I guess if that’s what it takes—
AMBER: Oh, fuck you, Noah!
AMBER: What if I’d gotten pregnant? Did you even…
NOAH: Would you have kept it?
AMBER: Well what if I did!
NOAH: I suppose I would’ve… done the right thing.
AMBER: Would you have married me?
NOAH: Would you marry a man knowing he’s gay? I’d have told you.
AMBER: Why did you sleep with me? I mean, obviously it’s not because you think I’m pretty.
NOAH: Of course I think you’re pretty—
AMBER: Stop it. Was I an experiment? Just trying to make sure?
NOAH: I thought I loved you. I do, I think, just not… And I could tell how much you wanted to, so, I mean. I’m sorry. For everything, not just the timing.
AMBER: Two years, Noah. I could’ve gone to Duke.
NOAH: You were never going to go to Duke.
AMBER: No, but I could’ve!
NOAH: You’ll find someone else. You know, if you want, I could put in a good word for you, tell people how good you are in bed.
AMBER: Would anyone believe you, though, since you’re a raging queen?
NOAH: Oh, honey, I’ll make ‘em!
AMBER: Please don’t.