Moving In

CAITLIN: Morning, roomie.

DARRYL: Well, isn’t this a surprise. You know, it’s funny, I was just having this dream that you moved into my apartment.

CAITLIN: And then you woke up—

DARRYL: And then I woke up, and boom!

CAITLIN: Oh my God! Dreams really do come true! Especially when they’re an exact replica of the last thirty-six hours we’ve spent moving!

DARRYL: I know! Isn’t that weird?

CAITLIN: You’re such a dork.

DARRYL: You’re one to talk. In your Ninja Turtles pajamas?

CAITLIN: Uh, these are your pajamas!

DARRYL: Are they, though? ‘Cause they don’t fit me anymore!

CAITLIN: Shut up! You want breakfast?

DARRYL: Aw, shit. I was gonna wake up early and bring you breakfast in bed.

CAITLIN: But you suck at breakfast.

DARRYL: I know, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

CAITLIN: Not if you ruin my pancake mix again, it’s not. Besides, we agreed you don’t need to be a gentleman—

DARRYL: I never agreed to that.

CAITLIN: Fine, I agreed that you never need to be a gentleman. We can do the third-wave thing, I’ll do the cooking because you suck at it—

DARRYL: I suck at breakfast, but!

CAITLIN: Ugh!

DARRYL: You said you liked my pesto thing—

CAITLIN: I did like the pesto thing—

DARRYL: And you still haven’t—oh my God, you haven’t had my cookies! How did I get you to move in with me without even tasting my cookies!

CAITLIN: I guess you’re just that good.

DARRYL: You mentioned breakfast.

CAITLIN: I believe you mentioned breakfast.

DARRYL: You spoke of making the breakfast. Mind if I join you? We shall repair to what is now to be known as “our” kitchen.

CAITLIN: Um, I have seen the way you keep that room even when you know you’ll have company over? That is now my kitchen.

DARRYL: Well, look at you.

CAITLIN: You really haven’t ever lived with a girl before, have you?

DARRYL: Other than my mom?

CAITLIN: Definitely not counting her.

DARRYL: I don’t know, you know, in college I did have a roommate who always had his girlfriend over, she practically lived with us.

CAITLIN: Did she bring all her furniture?

DARRYL: No.

CAITLIN: I hope you realize that there is an enormous difference between me having a drawer at your place for sleepovers and us actually living together.

DARRYL: I realize that, just like I realize I am never getting those Ninja Turtle pajamas back.

CAITLIN: Well, good. They don’t fit you anyway. Dork.

DARRYL: Have you ever lived with a guy before?

CAITLIN: Um… well…

DARRYL: You have, haven’t you? It’s okay, I’m not jealous. Unless I should be—should I be jealous? Do I have anything to be jealous about?

CAITLIN: I mean, if you wanna get mad about guys who are completely out of the picture, I won’t stop you. I mean, I’ll leave you, obviously, ‘cause that’s a huge red flag—

DARRYL: Obviously.

CAITLIN: Do you really wanna know?

DARRYL: Do you wanna tell me? It’s okay if you don’t.

CAITLIN: I have not ever moved in with someone I was dating.

DARRYL: OK…

CAITLIN: But I did once have sex with a roommate?

DARRYL: Oh…

CAITLIN: No! Not like—A male roommate, you perv!

DARRYL: How is that pervy?

CAITLIN: ‘Cause it’s—ugh!

DARRYL: How would it not be pervy, just ‘cause it was a guy?

CAITLIN: Oh my God!

DARRYL: So did he become your boyfriend then?

CAITLIN: No. It just got super awkward. And then I finally moved out. Is that it? Is that cool? Is this weird?

DARRYL: You had sex with your roommate. History repeats itself.

CAITLIN: Did you really think I had sex with a girl? Why would you think that?

DARRYL: I’m actually kinda surprised that you haven’t.

CAITLIN: You thought I was bi?

DARRYL: Most of the girls that I’ve dated have been bi. Hell, most of the girls I’ve been close friends with have been bi, to some extent. In college, I used to say society seems to think that girls are bi until proven straight.

CAITLIN: What about lesbians?

DARRYL: Society doesn’t believe in lesbians. They just “haven’t found the right man yet.”

CAITLIN: What about guys?

DARRYL: Men are straight until proven gay.

CAITLIN: Huh.

DARRYL: Because once you’ve had cock, you never go… bock?

CAITLIN: You did that on purpose!

DARRYL: Just a little bit.

CAITLIN: Wait, so you assumed I had been with a girl even though you’ve never been with a guy?

DARRYL: Well…

CAITLIN: Oh my God, you have?

DARRYL: That possibility seems to really disturb you.

CAITLIN: I mean… I don’t know… It just really never even occurred to me…

DARRYL: Well, I’ve never had sex with a man—

CAITLIN: Oh. OK. But???

DARRYL: But I did have one really hot makeout session in college.

CAITLIN: Oh, well, I mean, I’ve made out with a girl.

DARRYL: Oh, good. That’s a comfort, at least.

CAITLIN: A comfort?

DARRYL: At least I know you’re not a complete freak.

CAITLIN: Shut up. No, I mean, yeah, there’s nothing weird about that.

DARRYL: So, no possibility of a threesome, then?

CAITLIN: Oh, is that what you were gunning for?

DARRYL: We lure some innocent girl to our lair—or guy, I’m not picky—

CAITLIN: Every woman dreams of having two men at the same time: one for the ironing, the other does the dishes.

DARRYL: What happened to third wave?

CAITLIN: I’m still making you breakfast. Perv.