CAITLIN: Morning, roomie.
DARRYL: Well, isn’t this a surprise. You know, it’s funny, I was just having this dream that you moved into my apartment.
CAITLIN: And then you woke up—
DARRYL: And then I woke up, and boom!
CAITLIN: Oh my God! Dreams really do come true! Especially when they’re an exact replica of the last thirty-six hours we’ve spent moving!
DARRYL: I know! Isn’t that weird?
CAITLIN: You’re such a dork.
DARRYL: You’re one to talk. In your Ninja Turtles pajamas?
CAITLIN: Uh, these are your pajamas!
DARRYL: Are they, though? ‘Cause they don’t fit me anymore!
CAITLIN: Shut up! You want breakfast?
DARRYL: Aw, shit. I was gonna wake up early and bring you breakfast in bed.
CAITLIN: But you suck at breakfast.
DARRYL: I know, but it’s the thought that counts, right?
CAITLIN: Not if you ruin my pancake mix again, it’s not. Besides, we agreed you don’t need to be a gentleman—
DARRYL: I never agreed to that.
CAITLIN: Fine, I agreed that you never need to be a gentleman. We can do the third-wave thing, I’ll do the cooking because you suck at it—
DARRYL: I suck at breakfast, but!
DARRYL: You said you liked my pesto thing—
CAITLIN: I did like the pesto thing—
DARRYL: And you still haven’t—oh my God, you haven’t had my cookies! How did I get you to move in with me without even tasting my cookies!
CAITLIN: I guess you’re just that good.
DARRYL: You mentioned breakfast.
CAITLIN: I believe you mentioned breakfast.
DARRYL: You spoke of making the breakfast. Mind if I join you? We shall repair to what is now to be known as “our” kitchen.
CAITLIN: Um, I have seen the way you keep that room even when you know you’ll have company over? That is now my kitchen.
DARRYL: Well, look at you.
CAITLIN: You really haven’t ever lived with a girl before, have you?
DARRYL: Other than my mom?
CAITLIN: Definitely not counting her.
DARRYL: I don’t know, you know, in college I did have a roommate who always had his girlfriend over, she practically lived with us.
CAITLIN: Did she bring all her furniture?
CAITLIN: I hope you realize that there is an enormous difference between me having a drawer at your place for sleepovers and us actually living together.
DARRYL: I realize that, just like I realize I am never getting those Ninja Turtle pajamas back.
CAITLIN: Well, good. They don’t fit you anyway. Dork.
DARRYL: Have you ever lived with a guy before?
CAITLIN: Um… well…
DARRYL: You have, haven’t you? It’s okay, I’m not jealous. Unless I should be—should I be jealous? Do I have anything to be jealous about?
CAITLIN: I mean, if you wanna get mad about guys who are completely out of the picture, I won’t stop you. I mean, I’ll leave you, obviously, ‘cause that’s a huge red flag—
CAITLIN: Do you really wanna know?
DARRYL: Do you wanna tell me? It’s okay if you don’t.
CAITLIN: I have not ever moved in with someone I was dating.
CAITLIN: But I did once have sex with a roommate?
CAITLIN: No! Not like—A male roommate, you perv!
DARRYL: How is that pervy?
CAITLIN: ‘Cause it’s—ugh!
DARRYL: How would it not be pervy, just ‘cause it was a guy?
CAITLIN: Oh my God!
DARRYL: So did he become your boyfriend then?
CAITLIN: No. It just got super awkward. And then I finally moved out. Is that it? Is that cool? Is this weird?
DARRYL: You had sex with your roommate. History repeats itself.
CAITLIN: Did you really think I had sex with a girl? Why would you think that?
DARRYL: I’m actually kinda surprised that you haven’t.
CAITLIN: You thought I was bi?
DARRYL: Most of the girls that I’ve dated have been bi. Hell, most of the girls I’ve been close friends with have been bi, to some extent. In college, I used to say society seems to think that girls are bi until proven straight.
CAITLIN: What about lesbians?
DARRYL: Society doesn’t believe in lesbians. They just “haven’t found the right man yet.”
CAITLIN: What about guys?
DARRYL: Men are straight until proven gay.
DARRYL: Because once you’ve had cock, you never go… bock?
CAITLIN: You did that on purpose!
DARRYL: Just a little bit.
CAITLIN: Wait, so you assumed I had been with a girl even though you’ve never been with a guy?
CAITLIN: Oh my God, you have?
DARRYL: That possibility seems to really disturb you.
CAITLIN: I mean… I don’t know… It just really never even occurred to me…
DARRYL: Well, I’ve never had sex with a man—
CAITLIN: Oh. OK. But???
DARRYL: But I did have one really hot makeout session in college.
CAITLIN: Oh, well, I mean, I’ve made out with a girl.
DARRYL: Oh, good. That’s a comfort, at least.
CAITLIN: A comfort?
DARRYL: At least I know you’re not a complete freak.
CAITLIN: Shut up. No, I mean, yeah, there’s nothing weird about that.
DARRYL: So, no possibility of a threesome, then?
CAITLIN: Oh, is that what you were gunning for?
DARRYL: We lure some innocent girl to our lair—or guy, I’m not picky—
CAITLIN: Every woman dreams of having two men at the same time: one for the ironing, the other does the dishes.
DARRYL: What happened to third wave?
CAITLIN: I’m still making you breakfast. Perv.