ENZO: Hey! Amice! What’s all the stuff on your porch—Holy fuck. What’s this you’re wearing? Ha?

JORDAN: Oh, nothing, I was just—

ENZO: Nothing? This doesn’t look like nothing, friend, this looks like something, I think. This looks like a whole lotta something!

JORDAN: I didn’t know you were coming.

ENZO: Oh, I see. Well, that makes it all all right, then, doesn’t it?

JORDAN: OK. I’m sorry, but what exactly is “not all right” here?

ENZO: With what you’re wearing?

JORDAN: Uh-huh.

ENZO: Other than the fact that… it’s a dress?

JORDAN: What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with me wearing a dress? In my own house? Huh?

ENZO: Other than the fact that uh… you’re not a woman?

JORDAN: Why does that matter? No, seriously, why does that matter to you?

ENZO: Oh, it makes absolutely no difference to me.

JORDAN: Oh, really? So you’re okay with it?

ENZO: Why shouldn’t I be? But uh… I do think I should ask…

JORDAN: Yes?

ENZO: Why are you wearing a dress like a woman?

JORDAN: I’m not wearing a dress like a woman, I’m wearing a dress as myself.

ENZO: As yourself?

JORDAN: Yes.

ENZO: Why?

JORDAN: Because I like it, OK?

ENZO: OK! OK. Suit yourself. Or uh… well, dress yourself, anyway. But you still haven’t answered about the stuff on your porch.

JORDAN: Getting rid of it. Getting rid of all the negativity out of my life.

ENZO: By wearing a dress?

JORDAN: By doing what I want, for my reasons.

ENZO: You think that will make you happy?

JORDAN: I do, actually, thank you.

ENZO: You know, you’re never going to get a girlfriend, wearing that thing.

JORDAN: Honestly, if a girl doesn’t want me when I’m wearing this dress, then she doesn’t really want me.

ENZO: As long as we’re clear on that.

JORDAN: And as long as we’re being clear, let’s be clear on someting else, too: not all women conform to your patriarchal heteronormative bullshit.

ENZO: Fair enough. I wish you luck finding such a girl.

JORDAN: Sometimes, I just want to punc—

ENZO: Are you really getting rid of that DVD-player?

JORDAN: It doesn’t work.

ENZO: You’ve tried fixing it?

JORDAN: I have another one—look, if you want it, you’re welcome to try it out.

ENZO: It just seems to me like change is a way of giving up. You know? You’ve never been able to make your life work as a man, so what? You’re going to try to be a woman.

JORDAN: Oh my God, you think you’re so smart. Look, again, I am not trying to be a woman! This is not a gender transition. This is me, as a man, wearing a dress.

ENZO: Men don’t wear dresses.

JORDAN: Watch me.

ENZO: I have been. You look ridiculous.

JORDAN: I didn’t ask you!

ENZO: Well, actually, you just did. What? You want to fight? You want to fight me? Girl?

JORDAN: I’m not going to fight you.

ENZO: Is it because you’re a girl?

JORDAN: Holy fuck, I am not a girl—

ENZO: No, no, I understand. You would feel guilty hitting me because I’m not allowed to hit back, I understand.

JORDAN: You are enjoying this entirely too much.

ENZO: Am I not supposed to enjoy my good friend discovering these things about himself?

JORDAN: Oh, don’t do that.

ENZO: What? What did I do?

JORDAN: I know you. You… Forget it.

ENZO: I see. You want me to be serious. Because you are so serious, too, in your dress. Oh, yes! You know, I have always liked the word “brandish”, but as you see, I am an unarmed man. Fine, you want me to be serious? I am concerned. Not because you are any kind of abomination, I don’t believe in these things—I am concerned because I do not think you know what you want.

JORDAN: How would you know what I want?

ENZO: I know you, Jordan. You are not this person. You may want to be, but you do not have the stamina. You have a good heart and trust the world too much. This dress you wear, this is a challenge to the world—the whole world, Jordan! You will not be content just to argue with me. But you will not win against the world. Not even in the heart of a woman you want.

JORDAN: Let me get this straight. You’re telling me… I’m not man enough to pull off this dress?

ENZO: This is exactly what I’m saying.

JORDAN: Bring it on.

ANDREA: Well.

ADRIAN: Yeah.

ANDREA: So. That happened.

ADRIAN: I noticed. I was there.

ANDREA: Were you, though?

ADRIAN: Yup.

ANDREA: Imagine that.

ADRIAN: Imagining it. That was fun.

ANDREA: Yeah?

ADRIAN: Yeah. Why—didn’t you…

ANDREA: I mean…

ADRIAN: Oh, God.

ANDREA: I mean, didn’t not—

ADRIAN: Shit, I’m sorry—

ANDREA: No, please. Shit. Geez.

ADRIAN: I just wish that… you know…

ANDREA: Don’t worry about it.

ADRIAN: Should we talk about it?

ANDREA: Um…

ADRIAN: I mean, isn’t that a thing? That people, you know…

ANDREA: Sometimes.

ADRIAN: So you don’t?

ANDREA: Do you?

ADRIAN: How did we get here?

ANDREA: You mean last night?

ADRIAN: I guess we could start there.

ANDREA: You don’t wanna start there?

ADRIAN: How do you feel about me?

ANDREA: You first. See? Not so easy, is it?

ADRIAN: I mean, I like you.

ANDREA: Sure.

ADRIAN: But what does that even mean, right?

ANDREA: Of course.

ADRIAN: Do you like me?

ANDREA: Yeah.

ADRIAN: OK.

ANDREA: Does that help?

ADRIAN: No.

ANDREA: So what do you want to talk about?

ADRIAN: You really didn’t enjoy it?

ANDREA: Why does that matter to you?

ADRIAN: Wasn’t it your first time?

ANDREA: More or less.

ADRIAN: What’s that supposed to mean?

ANDREA: I mean, I’ve been with a girl.

ADRIAN: Wait, what?

ANDREA: You didn’t know that?

ADRIAN: No!

ANDREA: Does that matter to you?

ADRIAN: I mean… but that’s different, though, right?

ANDREA: Not really.

ADRIAN: No?

ANDREA: No.

ADRIAN: Are you serious?

ANDREA: Why should it be different?

ADRIAN: How can it possibly be the same?

ANDREA: Oh, come on, are you really that superficial?

ADRIAN: So there are differences?

ANDREA: What?

ADRIAN: Deep down, it’s the same, but there are superficial differences?

ANDREA: Are you serious?

ADRIAN: Am I wrong? Help me out here.

ANDREA: Why does it matter to you?

ADRIAN: I don’t know. I just feel like…

ANDREA: You feel responsible.

ADRIAN: Yeah.

ANDREA: Oh, come on. Seriously?

ADRIAN: Why shouldn’t I?

ANDREA: Well, for starters, it’s not your body.

ADRIAN: That’s not what I meant. Look—

ANDREA: Then what did you mean?

ADRIAN: I care about you.

ANDREA: Do you?

ADRIAN: Isn’t that what I just said? Isn’t that what I’ve been saying?

ANDREA: Well, I’m telling you not to worry about it. You’re still worrying about it.

ADRIAN: I mean—

ANDREA: Why do you care? I said it was fine.

ADRIAN: What happens next?

ANDREA: Next?

ADRIAN: With us.

ANDREA: Us?

ADRIAN: Come on. I just… I need to know. You owe me that.

ANDREA: I owe you?

ADRIAN: Don’t you? Weren’t you the one who said that happened? It did happen, didn’t it? So what’s next?

ANDREA: What do you want to be next? You want me to be your girlfriend?

ADRIAN: Is that what you want?

ANDREA: Jesus Chr—I asked you first!

ADRIAN: I asked you first how you feel about this!

ANDREA: Yeah, and I answered.

ADRIAN: No, you didn’t. Well… not… Am I making you uncomfortable?

ANDREA: I just don’t want to put a label on this.

ADRIAN: On what?

ANDREA: On this.

ADRIAN: On our relationship.

ANDREA: This is not a relationship.

ADRIAN: Bullshit. No, I’m sorry, we are two people having the latest in a series of emotionally charged discussions, if that doesn’t qualify as a relationship, then just… fucking English language.

ANDREA: Fine. Our “relationship”. But can we just…

ADRIAN: Are we friends, at least?

ANDREA: Sure.

ADRIAN: Friends with benefits? What?

ANDREA: I just don’t…

ADRIAN: Because you didn’t enjoy it?

ANDREA: I mean, I didn’t not enjoy it.

ADRIAN: But you don’t want to do it again?

ANDREA: Why do I have to make that decision now?

ADRIAN: You don’t want to talk, you don’t want to make a decision. Maybe I should just go.

ANDREA: Wait. Why can’t we just…

ADRIAN: What do you want from me?

ANDREA: Can’t we just hang out?

ADRIAN: As friends?

ANDREA: As friends.

ADRIAN: Are you saying it was a mistake?

ANDREA: I don’t know. Are you?

ADRIAN: I enjoyed it.

ANDREA: So?

ADRIAN: I enjoyed it and you didn’t.

ANDREA: Oh my God. Is it—I mean, is it like a macho thing? Like you have to prove to yourself that you’re a man—

ADRIAN: It’s not about being “a man”. I like you. I like you and… I just want you to enjoy… Are you a lesbian?

ANDREA: No.

ADRIAN: Are you sure?

ANDREA: I… I mean, I’m bi, but—

ADRIAN: Are you sure?

ANDREA: Pretty sure, yeah.

ADRIAN: Even though you’ve never… enjoyed…

ANDREA: I’m kind of surprised it took you that long to get there.

ADRIAN: I just didn’t want to think about it—but you’re not?

ANDREA: No!

ADRIAN: I want you to want to have sex with me. Again. That’s why I care so much.

ANDREA: Because you want to have sex with me again?

ADRIAN: Yes.

ANDREA: Why?

ADRIAN: … Because I enjoyed it?

ANDREA: Why?

ADRIAN: I don’t…

ANDREA: Are you in love with me? Why do you want to have sex with me?

ADRIAN: Because I enjoyed it!

ANDREA: Why did you want to have sex with me in the first place? Was it because you thought I was hot? See, this is not a relationship. This is why I didn’t want to talk about it.

ADRIAN: Why did you want to have sex with me?

ANDREA: I didn’t. Oh, come on, stop that. I already said, I didn’t not want to do it. I just didn’t…

ADRIAN: You didn’t say no.

ANDREA: Exactly. I just didn’t say no.

ADRIAN: But you didn’t say yes, either, did you?

ANDREA: Is that what’s been bothering you?

ADRIAN: Why the fuck would that not bother me? What kind of fucking person would I be if that didn’t fucking bother me?

ANDREA: Can we be clear about this? What happened was not a rape. I’m just gonna go ahead and just lay that out. If it had been, first of all, I wouldn’t be defending you to yourself, and I sure as fuck wouldn’t have tried to keep yoou here when you were talking about leaving. In fact, I probably would’ve left myself to get campus security. You did not rape me just because I didn’t give you verbal consent, so if that’s what’s bothering you, you can just not, ‘cause I don’t care, that’s not a thing. Forget it. But I’d be lying if I said it was something that I wanted—I guess maybe in the moment, but like… anyway, I’m glad you enjoyed it.

ADRIAN: How the hell is that supposed to make me feel?

ANDREA: I don’t care how it makes you feel, that’s how I feel.

ADRIAN: You say you wanted it in the moment?

ANDREA: Do we have to talk about this right now?

ADRIAN: If I’m going to stay here, yes. Were you… what, curious?

ANDREA: “Carried away.” That’s more how I’d put it. Think of it as a compliment to your… whatever.

ADRIAN: Am I a substitute?

ANDREA: Am I?

ADRIAN: You didn’t… not like it, didn’t think it was… bad? And you obviously don’t dislike me. Yet. Is there something there that we can…

ANDREA: Not if you keep talking about it. Can we please just put on the TV?

ADRIAN: OK.