Sportsball 101

CHARLIE: Yes… yes… Yeees! YES! Woo-hoo! High five, man!

JORDAN: Oh. Wow. OK.

CHARLIE: Aw, man, that was a hell of a play.

JORDAN: Oh, it’s a play? I thought it was a game you were watching.

CHARLIE: That’s what I—you’re real funny, you know that?

JORDAN: What game is this again?

CHARLIE: Wh—what game? Are… are you serious?

JORDAN: I mean, I can see that there’s some Sportsball happening, but I don’t know which—

CHARLIE: Football. It’s called football.

JORDAN: Oh! Oh, right! Right. OK. But, liek… why do they keep holding the ball in their hands and running with it? Isn’t that the one where they’re supposed to be kicking?

CHARLIE: No, that’s soccer!

JORDAN: But they always wear shoes.

CHARLIE: What?

JORDAN: How can it be “socker” if they’re not all running around in their socks?

CHARLIE: I don’t know—

JORDAN: I just don’t understand how this one could be “football” when it’s the other one where they’re not supposed to use their hands.

CHARLIE: Are you serious?

JORDAN: What are the rules, anyway?

CHARLIE: You don’t know the rules to football?

JORDAN: I’m not what you’d call a “guys’ guy”.

CHARLIE: OK, um… well… so you’re trying to score points, right?

JORDAN: OK.

CHARLIE: So you score points by getting the ball back behind the goalpost line.

JORDAN: That’s why they’re always piled up on top of each other?

CHARLIE: Right.

JORDAN: So then you get the ball behind the line, you get a point.

CHARLIE: You get seven points, actually.

JORDAN: Oh! Oh, wow. OK. So can I just, um, I just need to ask.

CHARLIE: Ask away.

JORDAN: If the goal is just to score points…

CHARLIE: Yeah?

JORDAN: Why don’t the two teams work together? I mean, think about it. If you just take turns—look, the ball has to go behind the line, right? There’s only one, you have to treat it as a scarce resource. You both need the ball, why not just share? Right? So I take the ball behind my line—

CHARLIE: You’re not gonna take the ball behind your own line!

JORDAN: Why not?

CHARLIE: ‘Cause then you score for the other team!

JORDAN: So? I bring the ball behind my line to score for them, then I give the ball to them so they can score for me, and we all go out and have drinks together and get laid and stuff.

CHARLIE: But then what’s the point?

JORDAN: THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING!

CHARLIE: No, but like, who wins?

JORDAN: Everybody!

CHARLIE: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, that’s not the point.

JORDAN: You’re right, it’s seven points, every time, isn’t it!

CHARLIE: No, look—the point is not to score points. The point is to score more points than the other team.

JORDAN: … Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh…

CHARLIE: Seriously, are you, like, an alien?

JORDAN: Sometimes I wonder.