ERICA: You’re kidding, right.
MARTIN: No. No, sadly, I’m not.
ERICA: But you’re like, hot. How could you not–
MARTIN: I don’t know. Just hasn’t happened yet.
ERICA: Are you gay? Well, are you?
MARTIN: I have a girlfriend. She’s still in high school.
ERICA: Well, you are a freshman… so I guess…
MARTIN: A Catholic high school. For girls.
ERICA: And you’re still not getting laid? Sorry, must be thinking of a different kind of Catholic schoolgirl.
MARTIN: I mean, we talked about it. The sex thing. We even… well… we kind of sexted a little bit one time.
ERICA: Oh, you bad, bad boy. Did you go to confession afterwards?
MARTIN: Hey, she’s the one who’s Catholic! Actually, not even her, it’s her parents who are Catholic.
ERICA: If she’s not Catholic, why hasn’t she fucked you for real?
MARTIN: Well… I mean, she is still in high school. And she’s only seventeen.
ERICA: So? North Carolina’s sex-age is sixteen, as long as you’re not more than four years older.
MARTIN: It’s three, actually.
MARTIN: My mom’s a paralegal.
ERICA: Oh. Well, moving on. Look, the point is… it’s three years, really?
ERICA: Huh. But that still doesn’t explain why you haven’t fucked her! Huh?
MARTIN: I lied.
ERICA: So you’re not a virgin?
MARTIN: Oh, no, I’m… I mean I never had sex.
ERICA: So what’d you lie about? Is she not really your girlfriend?
MARTIN: Well… she was…
ERICA: Aw. Poor thing.
MARTIN: Now she’s kind of a lesbian.
ERICA: And she’s at a Catholic girls’ school?
ERICA: It’ll pass. So that means you don’t have a girlfriend who’s a Catholic school lesbian?
ERICA: Then why the fuck are you still a virgin?
ERICA: You are gay, aren’t you? Hot, nice 18-year-old virgin? You’re totally gay.
MARTIN: Why the hell does everyone keep thinking that?
ERICA: Come on, honey. How many Musicals have you been in?
MARTIN: I do them so that I can meet girls!
ERICA: And how’s that working out for you?
MARTIN: They keep casting me as the bad guy…
ERICA: And you still can’t get laid?
MARTIN: I just haven’t found the right girl yet.
ERICA: OK, now I know you’re gay.
MARTIN: It’s gay for a guy to want to find a girl and settle down in a nice heterosexual relationship?
ERICA: Yeah! Especially an 18-year-old virgin! At 18, you’re supposed to play the field, sow your seeds, boy. If you happen to find a girl willing to put out more than once for you, you might have a relationship, but that’s not “love”. If you’re looking for a girl to take you off the menu, you’re not looking for a girlfriend, you’re looking for a beard.
MARTIN: Wow. That is the saddest thing I have ever heard anyone say. You’ve never had a real boyfriend, have you?
ERICA: I’ve had lots of boyfriends–
MARTIN: Have you? Or have you had guys who took advantage of you?
ERICA: Isn’t that kind of the definition of a boyfriend?
MARTIN: No. It’s not.
ERICA: It’s okay. It’s not like they’re doing it against my will. I want them to take advantage of me. The real question now is, do you want to take advantage of me?
MARTIN: You know, if it’s not against your will, it’s not really the same as taking advantage of you.
ERICA: Then don’t think of it as not being against my will.
MARTIN: I think there are too many negatives going around here–
ERICA: Well, then why don’t you think positive?
ERICA: Wow. No wonder you’re still a virgin, I am–could I be any more throwing myself at you?
MARTIN: It’s just, I don’t know, are you doing this because you’re trying to prove a point?
ERICA: Or maybe I’m trying to get to the point… Do you want me? Huh? Don’t you want me? Oh. Oh, there we go. Maybe you’re not gay after all.
MARTIN: Maybe not.