A Straight White Guy and a Black Lesbian Walk into a Bar

JORDAN: So, do you ever think that, like, that this, what we got going on here, that this is maybe a bit… you know…

MALLORY: You know I’m gay, right?

JORDAN: No, I know! I know. No, trust me, I know, that’s not what I—no, I mean, like…

MALLORY: Just say it, white boy.

JORDAN: You ever think that, like, maybe our friendship is kind of a joke?

MALLORY: No. But I’m flattered you think so.

JORDAN: No, that’s not what I—dammit. No. Sorry, I’m getting all messed up.

MALLORY: Take your time.

JORDAN: No, what I meant was, it kind of sounds like the set-up for, like, a really bad, like, really offensive joke. You know? I don’t know, maybe I’m just—I don’t know.

MALLORY: Who’s the third person?

JORDAN: Third what now?

MALLORY: If it’s a joke, doesn’t there have to be three? I count one BAMF of a black lesbian, one pasty-white nerd, who’s the third one?

JORDAN: Asian… tr—I don’t know. I don’t know if it works that way.

MALLORY: Not convinced it works at all. What’s the joke?

JORDAN: I don’t know yet. Gimme a second.

MALLORY: … Second’s up.

JORDAN: It’s gotta be about privilege, right? I mean, that’s the joke.

MALLORY: She rich?

JORDAN: Who?

MALLORY: Black lesbian. She rich?

JORDAN: Are you rich?

MALLORY: Shit, no, you seen my apartment.

JORDAN: I’ve also seen your car.

MALLORY: Shit—you don’t know cars, white boy.

JORDAN: That is, in fact, the Gods’ Honest Truth. Although I don’t know what that has to do with me being white, or a boy.

MALLORY: Are you rich?

JORDAN: … I mean, maybe? I guess?

MALLORY: I’m just thinking you want some kinda irony, you know? You want the joke to have a point to it.

JORDAN: That’s true. Right, and because we’re the ones writing the joke—

MALLORY: I ain’t writing no joke.

JORDAN: Well, since I’m the one writing the joke, I guess I want to be… “woke”.

MALLORY: You a poet, son, and you goddamn know it.

JORDAN: I swear, that just happened on its own.

MALLORY: Jordan? Here’s my arm. Bite me.

JORDAN: OK, but after I’ve bitten you… What if it’s all based on preconceptions?

MALLORY: Ya think?

JORDAN: No, but like—I mean, yeah, okay, but like, OK… So black lesbian walks into a bar and you think that…

MALLORY: What?

JORDAN: I don’t even know. What do people think when they see a black lesbian walk into a bar?

MALLORY: What do white people think? Or what do guys think?

JORDAN: Touché. (Waay too ché.) OK, so I gotta think audience.

MALLORY: You gotta?

JORDAN: I gotst’a (sp?).

MALLORY: Why are we still talking about this?

JORDAN: ‘Cause I’m on a roll here.

MALLORY: What you doin’ on a roll? Get off that shit, that could be somebody breakfast!

JORDAN: Was that a fucking pun? I adore you.

MALLORY: That is the gayest thing you have said to me in like half an hour.

JORDAN: So a straight white guy and a black lesbian walk into a bar.

MALLORY: Oh, God.

JORDAN: Bartender says “What’ll it be?”

MALLORY: M-hm.

JORDAN: White boy say “I’ll have what she’s having.”

MALLORY: And?

JORDAN: What’s she having?

MALLORY: His testicles in a glass?

JORDAN: … No, you can’t make a guy eat his own testicles, that would be weird.

MALLORY: Why is he having what she’s having?

JORDAN: I figure that it’s ‘cause he knows that she is a lot tougher than he is and could totally kick his ass, so he’s, like, wanting to, like, “man up”. Or woman up. Or something. Which is why I’m thinking that maybe, like, the funniest thing for her to do would be to, maybe, like, I don’t know, order just water or something? You know, ‘cause she, like, he’s doing everything for appearances. But she’s, like, huh, pshaw.

MALLORY: No black woman has ever said that word.

JORDAN: What word?

MALLORY:…

JORDAN: I mean, not literally. Do you get it, though?

MALLORY: No, I see what you did there. It’s not funny, but I see what you did.

JORDAN: Pshaw.