Illegal

Detective Kent Noxom was not above the law—but sometimes it felt like the assholes he was sent to chase down were.

“It’s these goddamn Mexicans,” he complained to his girlfriend, Alicia. “Minute you get ‘em in cuffs, you get the liberal media coming in with their bleeding hearts talking about systemic this and institutional that, and before you know it, you got drug lords running Houston.”

His girlfriend, sprawling naked on the bed, blew cigarette smoke and looked at him with half-asleep eyes and reminded him she’s got another customer coming in soon who might not take kindly to cops.

“You got the time, amigo?” some Hispanic cabrown asked him on his way into work while he was stopped at a light. He says, “Buy a watch, hombre,” then runs just before it turned green. He saw the kid in the side-view mirror, looking after him, chewing tobacco or some goddamn hallucinogenic bell pepper or whatever the fuck, and he had this look on his face, that deer-in-the-taillights look of somebody doesn’t even speak English.

Except there was more to it. He couldn’t tell what, but it was there.

“What do we got here?” he asked at the crime scene.

“There’s six of ‘em, and they’re bigshots,” said the guy from homicide.

He handed Noxom the list. “Jesus Fuck,” said Noxom. He knew these names. Some of these names’d been up on his board for a while.

“A hit?” he suggested.

“A very palpable hit,” said Detective Schiller, like it meant a damn thing.

“Russians?”

“Eyewitness says this was one guy,” said Schiller, “and he didn’t fire a shot himself.”

The story was like something out of the funny pages or some goddamn tabloid fluff. Guy walked into a drug deal, started wise-crackin’. Next thing you knew, everybody was shooting, nobody was hitting the guy. Survivor who saw the whole thing said he couldn’t tell whether the bullets were missing the guy on account of him being so fast, or just bouncing right off him.

“Ballistics suggest both,” the Lieutenant announced in their meeting, then explained in detail where each bullet they’d found had come from and how they believed it had gotten there. “And then here,” he said at the end of the run-down, “Here’s where our vigilante crushed the 30.06 with his bare hands. “Then just in time, he added, “Supposedly.”

“Eyewitnesses say what the guy looked like?” came the peanut gallery.

“Said he didn’t look human,” said the Lieutenant. “Big eyes, one horn middle of his head—we figure it’s a mask.”

“Goddamn superhero,” somebody muttered under his breath, but not far enough under.

“That’ll be enough talk like that,” said the Lieutenant.

They didn’t find him, of course—investigation was ongoing. More incidents arose on the beat, robbery, even homicide. Vice stayed pretty quiett, though, until one day they’d set up a raid on a pot dealer thug they’d been tracking for months, but the minute they beat down the door, they knew something was wrong.

Nobody was home.

“Hello, officers.”

They turned and it was him—the big eyes, the horn, it looked so…

“The hell you supposed to be?” said one of the rookies.

“I am the Alien,” said the intruder.

“Drop your weapon!”

“I have none.”

“Put your hands up!”

“Why do you think that will help you?”

Faster than the eye could see, he disarmed every one of them. “Mr. Torres is not at home,” he informed them, and leaped out the window.

Noxom led the pursuit, but now he was so confused. I thought this guy was on our side! Hadn’t he been helping them out? Stopping robberies, foiling drug deals? So now here he is, crapping all over our country. What was up with that?

The trail went cold.

“Hey, amigo?” said a voice he could swear he’d heard before. “You got the time?”

He turned. Some dumb Mexican. Couldn’t even see his face. “Get outta here,” he told the kid, “I’m chasing bad guys.” But he had to stop now to catch his breath.

“You know, amigo,” said the voice in the darkness, “You should be more careful who you chase.” Then he lit up what looked like a crack-pope and Noxom saw his face—that face that didn’t look like a face.

“Shit!” He fired. In the light from each blast, he saw the Alien in a different place in that alley. He shouldn’t be wasting bullets like that. He stopped. “What do you want?” he asked, panting.

“I want the same thing you want,” said the Mexican-sounding Alien, “I want justice in the world. The problem is, I don’t think that you and I think the same what justice looks like.”

“You killed those drug dealers,” said Noxom.

“Correction,” said the Alien, “those drug dealers killed each other while they were trying to kill me. They were bad men making millions off others’ addictions.”

“So was that asshole in that house!”

“Correction.” Noxom was getting tired of hearing that word pretty quick. “That kid was making money to support his sister, who is sick. And there is no such thing as an addiction to Marijuana.”

“That’s ot how the law works.”

“It should be,” said the Alien. Then he paused. “I did not mean for those men to die. I acted too soon and I apologize. I would like to work with the police to work inside the law on strategy, but there are so many laws on the books that are unjust.”

Noxom finally lowered his useless weapon.

“Will you help me?” asked the Alien. “I would like to help you.”

“With the things you can do…” Noxom thought about the Kingpins. The high-level corruption he knew was going on. The Cartels. What this Alien could do about them. “Sure,” he said. “Sure, I’ll help you.”

“Thank you, amigo,” he didn’t realize it had lost the accent until it was back. “And I should give you extra special thanks.”

“For what?”

With that, the Alien stepped out into the street light and pulled off his face. It was a mask all right, just a really elaborate one. “For not asking me if I am on this planet illegally. I knew you were one of the good ones.”


The Circle as Sequel to 1984 in Canonical Science Fiction Tradition

I just watched the movie of The Circle, directed by James Ponsoldt and based on the novel by Dave Eggers. I only just started reading the book, so it’s possible that I will amend this later on when I finish, but let this serve as a review of the film as it stands, in addition to being an essay on the mechanics of the Science Fiction tradition. Be informed that there are some general SPOILERS ahead for this recent release.

To quickly define what is meant by Science Fiction and more specifically the type of Science Fiction that I will be talking about in this essay, I am going to be focusing on the concept of a Novum. The Novum in SF is the “new thing” that makes the world of the story different from the world that we live in. Some Sci-Fi, most notably Space Operas like Star Trek and Star Wars, live in multi-Novum universes where it is hard to pinpoint what specifically is under scrutiny because the focus is more on the story and the characters, but the “traditional” SF genre is tailored to a specific point.

One of the aspects of the SF genre that makes it almost unique in literature is the way that non-literary forces can render (aspects of) a particular work irrelevant over time. In other, more “realistic” genres, even when a work no longer speaks to the mass audience, it can nevertheless still be said to be an accurate snapshot of the times that it depicts.

Science Fiction, on the other hand, is, in its most traditional and recognizable incarnation, an estimate of what the future will hold. Even works of SF that take place in the present usually depict a scientific discovery that will have a definite impact on the future. For this reason, most Science Fiction has a shelf-life—even if that shelf-life happens to be tens of thousands of years, as in the case of Isaac Asimov’s Foundation Trilogy, for example—after which its accuracy becomes suspect and its relevance can be called into question.

We see this in the history of the Star Trek TV show. In the 1990’s, as revealed in the first-season episode “Space Seed”, which would spawn the notorious Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, there were Eugenics Wars that resulted in the creation of super-humans who terrorized the planet. The show itself backed off on this in the later series when it became apparent that not only were no such wars going to take place, but the technology necessary to create the circumstances for that particular kind of war did not exist yet and even now does not yet appear to be in a sufficiently advanced stage for such a war to be a possibility.

In other cases, the science upon which a certain Novum is based could in time develop past the point where the Novum is useful or accurate. My favorite example of this is in the novel Red Star by Aleksandr Bogdanov. The story takes place on Mars (the “red star” in our sky) and its inhabitants, who tell the main character from Earth that the reason Mars appears red to us from here is because the plants on their planet have evolved a red color in response to photosynthesis, meaning that they are red, in a way, for the same reasons that ours are green. This is excusable since, at the time it was published, we had not yet invented the spectroscopy necessary to know anything substantial about Mars, let alone landed a rover on it.

This is not, however, the main Novum present in Red Star. The plot centers around the Communist society on the red planet trying to decide whether to go to war with the totalitarians on ours. It was published in 1908, before Communism had ever really been tested, which no doubt has something to do with the utopian nature of the narrative. By 1921, four years after the Russian Revolution, Yevgeny Zamyatin had written We, which would become perhaps the most influential novel in the Dystopian sub-genre of SF, having since inspired both Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World and the increasingly relevant 1984 by George Orwell.

Of these, it is 1984 that has endured because that is the one that has maintained the most relevance, at least in our Western society (I can’t really speak for modern-day Russia). That is probably because a large part of the sociological Novum centers on the erosion of private life in the interest of government-run security. This issue has gotten a lot of traction in the last few years as the debate has developed between net neutrality and the dissemination of disinformation in the Information Age.

But the one thing Orwell didn’t account for was the Internet and, by extension, the phenomenon we have come to know as “social media”, through which, little by little, the population has voluntarily ceded much of its privacy not to any governmental body directly, but by means of services provided by privately owned and operated companies.

That’s where The Circle comes in. Even though it does not sport any significant technological advances that would qualify as Nova, it pushes everything we have right now to the furthest extreme and for that reason, I would argue that it qualifies as SF, if “only” in the “softer” sociological category. And as such, its relevance to modern life eclipses 1984 in the way that 1984 eclipsed We and We eclipsed Red Star.

The story centers on Mae Holland, a young woman who joins the tech company known as The Circle as a low-level customer service worker, but after an incident off-site, she is offered an opportunity to achieve fame by having every waking moment (except when she’s in the bathroom) recorded and broadcast to an army of ten million fans.

In this way, it is almost like The Truman Show in that Mae is the only one in her position of unparalleled fame, but it is not as existential as Truman because she is complicit in it, even receiving and responding to blast after blast of tweet-sized messages for half the film.

The scariest scene in it for me personally, though, was early on in the film, when she has been working there for a week and is asked why she hasn’t even set up her social media account with them. In the culture of this company, everyone is expected to know everything about everyone else, to have their information at their fingertips, intimate details of their lives, to facilitate relationship-building. It is stressed to her that the weekend events are “not mandatory” but that nevertheless her absence will be noticed. When she reveals that she had been kayaking alone, one of her interrogators remarks that he likes kayaking and she should have told him because he would have loved to come with her. And any attempt she might have made to stress that she enjoys time spent alone is cut off at the knees when the other interrogator implies that continued antisocial behavior could be indicative of mental-health issues.

This is nightmare for me. It is, in fact, exactly why I can’t stand the idea of going back into customer service, let alone a “welcoming” corporate environment like this. People should not be forced to be social with other people. A great many people become uncomfortable in large crowds or among strangers and even people who do love to kayak sometimes enjoy doing so on their own terms. But the film suggests (and its case is compelling) that we are rapidly moving towards a world in which isolation is automatically considered suspect.

The gist of the plot, though, is even more terrifying on a societal level, as it follows Mae not only embracing her status as a person whose every move is scrutinized second by second by millions (if not billions) of people, but at times even gleefully pushing an agenda that would, to put it bluntly, create the perfect preconditions for Orwell’s Dystopia.

I did feel there were some flaws in the film, which is why I intend to revisit this post after reading the book. Everything that the film did, it did wonderfully, there were just some pieces I felt were missing, corners cut, arguments that weren’t made to my satisfaction (a problem I have been having more and more with films) but regardless of any technical or even storytelling flaws, I think this is an important story that everyone in our Digital World needs to be exposed to. It is a conversation that needs to be had.


“We Will Rock You”

It started the way sibling fights always start: with something stupid. I can’t even tell what, whether Declan was taking too long in the bathroom (ew) or Tommy used his toothbrush, or what. What I do know is that Tommy had finally stopped growing and Declan was catching up to him, so when it did devolve into the inevitable wrestling match it always had to be, Tommy still won, but he noticed that it was getting harder for him.

That’s why he brought up the band.

“What about my band?” said Declan.

What about my band?” Tommy mocked in that voice all older brothers have to mock their youngers.

“Oh, yeah, well, what about your band, huh?” Declan countered.

Tommy p’shaw’d. “My band’s good, man, the Elk’s gonna be tking it all the way to the Eagle this year.”

The Grey Eagle is this venue in town that hosts the classic all-American Band-Battle Extravagonzo every year, and of spring.

“You’re not gettin’ the Eagle,” Declan scoffed back.

Tommy threw up his hands in a condescending “We’ll see, sugar,” except maybe with something stronger than sugar, and that was the end of it.

That’s what gave Declan the idea. “We need unity,” he said to the others at their next meet. They’d been practising, but not very well. Not very focused. Raven had a killer voice (when she used it) and was starting to sound okay on the bass; Blake on the drums was a natural, almost a no-brainer; and Declan? Well, he didn’t like to toot his own horn, but he knew what he was doing on the git-fiddle. Now, Jasper—I mean, don’t get me wrong. He got better. But he was never actually good at playing the guitar.

The problem was the overall sound. “We’re all doing different shit,” Declan clarified. “And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but if that’s how we sound, we still gotta make it work.” Declan was not a big believer in the idea that a band should have a unified sound like a brand or a lable. Having a voice was important—limiting yourself to one was not, necessarily. “Take the Beatles,” he would point out. “Listen to I Wanna Hold Your Hand and then skip ahead to Across the Universe. Do those sound like the same band?” They don’t to me, but I’ll admit I don’t know much about music. “What about Yellow Submarine? That sound anything like those others? Anything like Helter Skelter?” Another band he liked to bring up was Acid Monsoon. “Sometimes they’re this hardcore heavy metal and then they’ll blend that into this Trip-Hoppy Jazz weirdness—and they’ll do it in the same song, like, ‘cause they just don’t give a fuck.”

Caspar June, Acid Monsoon’s front man and lead singer, disagrees with his judgment that this means they don’t have a unified sound, but whatever. That gave Declan a target.

And now his asshole older brother had just given him a goal.

“I wanna play the Eagle,” this high school freshman told the band he’d incited. “I wanna play the Eagle this year.” And after he’d explained to all these noobs what that entailed, he got them all to work.

“Hey, Deck-face,” his brother mocked him in the halls the next day, and once he had his attention, Tommy crouched down low and started flapping his arms and caw-cawing in a desperate screech.

But Declan just rolled his eyes. “Whatever, dude,” he said. “I’m going Elk-hunting.”


Imperfect and Subjunctive Scenes

I’d like to talk about two types of scenes that occur in stories (different media may give them different forms) that are different from the types of scenes we are taught to write in writing classes. In writing classes, and even in literature classes, I have always been told that a scene must create a change in the character’s condition. But neither of these types of scenes present such a change—or at least not in the way we have been taught.

I have chosen to name each of these types after grammatical concepts that are not traditionally considered useful in English.

The first type of scene I’m calling “Imperfect” because it’s the tense one would expect to be used in languages like French and Ancient Greek that have two different past tenses. If you’re talking about a “classical” scene in which something specific happens at a specific time, you’d use the other tense (passé composé in French, aorist in Ancient Greek). The imperfect tense would be used for situations that are either repetitive or continuous.

The best way of illustrating this would be by presenting the beginning of a fairy tale. “Once upon a time, there was a boy named Kaylim who lived in the Kenthi Highlands. He didn’t get along with his twin brother Dansiv or with most of the rest of the tribe because of his violent tendencies, so he spent most of his time alone training with the weapons as though he was dancing.”

This works as the set-up for a story—a very short one—even though none of these sentences capture a single moment in time. Instead, they evoke a continuum, one that can be bracketed by saying, “Then one day, the Chief of the Choni agreed to let Dansiv marry his daughter Lodarn and Kaylim was sent ot fetch her for the wedding.”

There are several scenes suggested in this one sentence: a negotiation between the two tribes that leads to a conclusion, the announcement to both brothers, perhaps even an argument as to why Kaylim might not want to go. But though there are many events, each of them is distinct and far more unique than “Every day, Kaylim would retreat to the garden where he kept his flail.” If one were filming that, what specific day would one choose?

This isn’t just about the beginning of a story, though. After critical events, there is usually a plateau of sorts, where a new status quo is reached. “There, in the desert,” for example, “Kaylim wandered day and night, sometimes sleeping during the day so he could travel at night, sometimes deciding that was foolishness, too. But always, he was thirsty, always hoping beyond  hope that the shimmering on the horizon really was a body of water, but even when it was, soon discovering it was shallow and tasted like dust, and he would long for home. Again, we see that the events are repetitive, which enhances the hopelessness of Kaylim’s situation. Now, one could write out blow by blow what happens to Kaylim along the way, but that would become as tedious in the telling as the experience in the living of it; alternatively, one could focus on a single time this happened (the last time would be my preference) and refer every step of the way to all the other times it was hopeless. This would be a particularly appealing way of telling this part of the story if this time, things turned out differently, but an Imperative approach is still the most economical, if word count is, in any way, an issue.

This idea, though, of dwelling on fears in a scene brings me to the other type. I call this type of scene Subjunctive. The Subjunctive isn’t really all that useful anymore in English, either, except in specific cases such as “be that as it may”; where other languages might use it, English falls back on auxiliarly verbs, like would, could, should and may. This is a mood that a verb takes when it’s in a sentence describing something that isn’t really taking place.

“Kaylim thought of all the things he could do as commander of Alceius’s armies: he could return home and prove to his tribe that he wasn’t the disgrace they all thought him to be. But no, that wasn’t an option. If he took command, he would lead this army to conquer Maxillon—he might even win. From there, he could reach out and conquer the entire world—but should he?”

Each of these sentences suggests a scene, but not a scene that we are meant to imagine actually happening. These summaries can even be expanded and enriched with details, as long as it remains clear to the reader by the end of the summar that they are only taking place in the character’s mind.

There are many advantages to the use of Subjunctive scenes, but the attribute I find most fascinating is the way they open up the possibilities for what a single story could be. All authors have to make choices, not just about what details to include and which to omit for sheer lack of space, but even over what will happen over the course of a story. Subjunctive scenes, in addition to enriching the inner life of a character and creating a sense of foreshadowing and even irony in a tale, can be a way for writers to implement alternative strategies in an environment that is as divorced from the world of their story as the story is from the world in which its author lives.


Chasing the Dawn

I do not sleep, so I cannot rise. I’ve kept my eyes open since the day I was born, almost without blinking, for I have no kingdom in the land of dreams to call my own.

Have I therefore no soul? Am I therefore no man?

I sit alone and I watch the sun set. My brothers have already fled before, but I linger still to catch the dying rays, to feel the fleeting glow. And only when I see the purple fade from the horizon into deepest blue, and feel the force of darkness closing in around do I make my exit, leaping and exploding into fastest light, outrunning the sunset and the coming night.

So long as I keep in my father’s gaze, I know of no evil can harm me. I needn’t sleep, so long as sunlight bathes me. But on the dark side of the earth where Father rests with the newest bride, I cannot help but beware the darkness.

We do not sleep. Yet some day, we all must close our eyes. We know not when, but the very sun must one day blink out. Even Father cannot last. And one day light must fall to darkness.

But in the meantime, I will run, sprinting at the speed of light and bouncing off the moon, perhaps. Never to rest while the sun shines over me. Never to blink while yet I see the light.


The Tree Hugger

One Wednesday, seven-year-old Jemima Sidney went into the woods to visit her tree. He was a nice tree. He reminded her of her grandfather, whom she’d seen two summers ago when she was five, but they hadn’t been back there because he lived all the way the other side of the country and they lived in Trinity’s Field, NC. But that was all right, because she had her tree and the tree smelled like her grandfather. And he talked like him, too.

Jemima’s mother was in real estate. That meant that she sold houses to people. Jemima often wondered what her mother would sell if she was in imaginary estate, but when she asked one time, her mother told her not to be silly; and another time, she told her not to be rude. Jemima also wasn’t sure how you could sell a house because it’s far too big to put in your pocket, see, but she also wasn’t allowed to ask that question. Her daddy was a lot easier to understand, because he didn’t sell houses; he built them. He often told her that made him and her mother a perfect pair.

When they had first moved to Trinity’s Field, NC, just after the last time she’d seen her grandfather, one day she decided to go out into the woods. It was easy because there were woods just behind their house and they went on for miles and miles. And she knew all about Little Red Riding Hood, but she wasn’t scared because there weren’t any wolves in this part of North Carolina, only bears and everyone knows that Goldilocks got away because bears only eat porridge.

But she didn’t meet a bear, because twenty-four yards from her house, she found a small clearing (called a “Glade”, Rembert told her) and that’s where she met Rembert the tree. At first, though, she didn’t really care about Rembert, she only really cared about the vine that was going up his trunk, because the more she looked at it, the more that vine seemed to shimmer and glow. And when she reached out to touch it, she could swear the vine moved.

“The Demno doesn’t like to be touched,” said a voice nearby.

Remembering the story of Little Red Riding Hood, Jemima gasped and turned, expecting to see the Wolf, or a Big Bad Bear behind her. But that wasn’t where the voice was from.

It was the tree that had spoken to her. It was easy to miss that it had a face in it, but once you saw it speak, it was unmistakable. His name was Rembert and he explained that he used to be a human boy, but he had given up life as a human more than a hundred years ago to live as a Dryad. A Dryad was a man in a tree, like Rembert. She got to be friends with him because she remembered where he was and she visited him and he explained to her another time that people needed Dryads so that they could communicate with the Demno, and the Demno was the shimmering vine that crept up the bark of his trunk and didn’t like to be touched.

“But why do people care about shimmery vines?” At first, Jemima thought it might have been a rude question and she scolded herself, but Rembert didn’t mind and he answered her.

“The Demno is very powerful,” he told her. “More powerful than most of us realize. It controls the fate of all of the trees and all of the flowers and plants on the planet. Most people don’t know the Demno because it hides from them—that’s how the Powers that Be want it…” He had been getting excited, but now he slowed down. “There are things out there more powerful than the Demno.”

Her parents didn’t approve of her talking to trees. That’s why she did it in private; when they weren’t looking, she’d sneak out, and be sure to be back before they noticed. But sometimes she would tell them things Rembert had said.

“Who’s Rembert?” asked her mother one time when she found herself listening to her daughter.

And Jemima explained that Rembert was the tree out in the woods—

“You’re not supposed to go out in the woods,” her mother reminded her.

“Oh, let her go,” her father spoke up then. “Don’t worry, we’ve got the whole place roped off, fenced in. Let her enjoy the woods while she still can.”

Jemima wasn’t sure what that last part meant, but she was glad it was safe to go talk to Rembert in the woods now.

So that Wednesday, she went out into the woods to talk to her favorite tree. But when she got there, she saw the strangest thing.

There was a man there, huddled on the ground in front of Rembert, and the man kept saying “Please… please, Demno, let me back in, oh! Praise be to Lord Gollobor, don’t make me do this!”

The man was wrinklier than her daddy, and his hair was wiry and grey, and he wore this big robe that kind of looked like tree-bark and leaves—and why was his voice familiar?

Then she looked at the tree and realized Rembert’s face was gone!

“Rembert!” she screeched, and the old man turned.

“Jemima,” he called to her. “Oh, my dear Little Miss Sidney. I wish you didn’t have to see me like this…”

Why did he know her name? And why did he have Rembert’s face? Slowly, it started to dawn on her why the Demno had cloven her favorite tree in two.

“I wish I could spare you this,” said Rembert, the man. “I wish you hadn’t come today, now, of all times, to this place. I wish you didn’t have to know.”

But she did know. She knew her best friend was no longer a tree—but she also knew he was sad, so she went up to him and put her arms around him.

“We’re just not powerful enough,” he sobbed. “Deals had to be made, sacrifices. If we didn’t give them this, they’d take it from somewhere else. But now they’ve made me human again.”

“It’s not that bad,” Jemima apologized. “Now you can move around, and you can dance with me!”

A curt laugh broke his sobs. “Yes, of course I will dance with you, but that… what are we going to do now? Now… where will I go? And what will become of the Demno and all of their trees?”


Family

There was nothing more important to Dorothy Rogers than her family.

She married Hal right out of college. He had talked about going into politics, but business would do. It was just as respectable. He had come from a good family (so important) and became quite successful. She, too, was successful—by the end of her twenties, she had given her husband three beautiful children, two boys and a girl.

Timothy was rambunctuous as a child. Always getting into trouble. He was precocious and not afraid to speak up, but he was a good kid.

Stephanie, though—she was a handful. She was abrasive and obstinate as a young child and in primary school, she was quite the tomboy. Getting her into a dress was like pulling teeth—and yet pulling teeth was not something she would shy away from.

William, though… William was different from either of his siblings. He was quiet and shy, he disliked fighting so much that he didn’t even seem to have a problem with his sister fighting his battles for him—and she was willing enough to do so.

“We need to toughen him up,” Dorothy would complain to her husband before bed.

“Leave the poor kid alone,” Hal Rogers would groan at his wife. Hal didn’t care about family like she did. “He’ll grow out of it.”

In a way, he did. But not in the way that his mother would have preferred.

Stephanie, at the tender age of eighteen, just months from graduating high school, became pregnant. Her mother was distraught. “How could you do this to me?” she kept screaming. “How could you do this to your family!”

“‘My family’ is not the one this is happening to. I am!”

“You are the one who did this!”

“You think I asked for this? You think I wanted to get pregnant?”

That, of course, launched a tirade about knowing to keep your legs together.

In the end, there wasn’t really any “choice” involved for Stephanie. Dorothy insisted that her daughter go out of state “to visit relatives” so that she could have the procedure done in secret. She wasn’t, strictly speaking, pro-choice, but if it was that or be a grandmother before her time to an illegitimate mistake, then so be it. As for Stephanie, she’d been debating herself and was relieved to have her mind made up for her. If I’d wanted to have it, she told herself, I would have told Michael first, and forced her hand. But she also knew she would regret her decision.

“At least you’ve never gotten a girl knocked up,” Dorothy said to both of her sons together.

William looked away shyly, as was his way, but it was Timothy who said “Yes, mother,” even though it was Timothy who had by that time funded two abortions of his own to keep girlfriends quiet—and one of those times, he had had to force the poor girl into it.

William was the next one to be disgraced. It took a long time for him to acknowledge his sexuality, even to himself. For his parents’ sake, he did his best with girls and even slept with them, but only to keep his secret. It was one of those girls, though, who finally confronted him about it. “It’s okay if you are,” she said, more heartbroken than she let on, “I don’t judge. I could even hook you up if you want.”

And she did. She had a cousin who was William’s first love—the first that counted for him, anyway. But he let his mother continue to think that “Natalie” had been the one who had gotten away, since it pleased her to think that and since he wasn’t one to make waves, much as his later boyfriend Serge wanted him to. “It is a new world,” he told William in the world’s thickest, saltiest French accent, “She will know now from you or she will find out later. Like this, you can control the narratif, no?”

But William had no control over narrative. He just moved to a part of the country where his mother didn’t hold sway—or so he imagined—and lived as private a life as he could manage.

“Won’t you come home, though?” his mother would beg, and there was only so long he could put that off until she sent him a ticket and told him to make it work.

She found him with his boyfriend in flagrante.

He assumed after it happened that she would tell people—his father, at least—but when he brought it up, Hal Rogers was speechless. He had no context for having a gay son. It was unthinkable to him.

It was as unthinkable for Hal Rogers as it was unspeakable for Dorothy.

“I always knew,” Stephanie told him. He didn’t bring it up, but it was all their parents wouldn’t talk about. “I mean, I figured. Guess I’m just smarter than Mom and Dad.” She put her hand on his. “And more supportive.” And then she hugged him and kissed him on the forehead.

Stephanie, meanwhile, had ended her series of shallow affairs by falling in love with a successful black man. If Linus Hinkle had been any lighter-skinned, he would have been exactly what her parents required in a son-in-law. He was a respected doctor, about four years from going into private practice, he had no tattoos or piercings, he was handsome, strong and healthy and just not anywhere near good enough for their daughter.

“I’m not racist,” Dorothy assured anyone who didn’t just cut her off right there, “I’d just prefer not to have grandchildren who come out looking like they’ve just spent nine months up a chimney!”

It was a phrase that had Stephanie and William both cracking their knuckles and gritting their teeth, but Linus, whose mother had “raised him right”, as they say, just smiled, nodded and never spoke to his mother-in-law unless she addressed him.

After she had had two children of her own, Stephanie volunteered to act as a surrogate for William and his husband, Adam. There was some strangeness, perhaps, in a woman bearing a child for her brother, but since the egg wasn’t hers and the sperm wasn’t his, they didn’t think much of it—and nor did they think of their poor, distraught mother and what she might think of it.

“Of all the things!” she bellowed when she found out, and soon she called her favorite son. “Your brother and sister are determined to ruin me!” she cried to Timothy. “It was all supposed to be perfect! They were my little angels! But now I see you were the only angel I bore, weren’t you, Timothy? You’re my little angel!”

“Yes, Mother,” said Timothy Rogers.

He had married well: the boss’s daughter at a Fortune 500 company he was now about two years from running. She was nearly as vapid and shallow and conceited as he was, but she was just starting to realize there was more to him than met the eye. When she actually caught him with their youngest daughter, when she saw what he’d been doing to her, all the pieces fell together and something changed inside her as she made a decision about him in the last few moments of her life.

Stephanie wasn’t surprised when she heard he’d been arrested. She was shocked, shaken, but some part of her had always known what he was capable of, could almost remember…

William was there with their mother when they heard the verdict. He knew Timothy had tried to cover it up, had tried to make it look like a burglary gone wrong, but his brother had never been as smart as their mother had always made him think he was.

She insisted on seeing him before the sentence was carried out. She begged him to tell her the truth, to tell her that he was innocent, but he couldn’t do both of those things, so instead he told her “I had to do it, Mother. Don’t you see? Don’t you understand? Think of what that whore could’ve done to our family name!”

Dorothy never did accept any responsibility for spoiling her favorite child, for teaching him that appearances and perceptions were more important than real people’s lives.

“Why do you think she doesn’t get it?” William asked his sister.

Stephanie shrugged and sighed. “She has a very different idea of what Family means. Family is blood to her. It’s a name. It’s a history and a future. But that’s not what family is, is it? We know that. You and me? We know that family is the people that we choose to share it with. Family is a present.”


The Bird, the Cat and the Little Boy

Once upon a time, there was a bird flying care-free through the air. Do you know the expression “as free as a bird”? Well, this was the very bird they meant when they said it. Each morning, she would wake up, ruffle her feathers, spread her wings and leap out of her nest, out into the world.

One day, though, it was raining. Now, rain didn’t generally mean that much, it just meant that she had to fly closer to the ground, that was all. She needed to be more careful about obstacles that might be in her path. But she could still feel the wind—a bit wetter, perhaps—hoisting her up and carrying her around.

The problem was that today of all days, the Cat living with the Humans next door to the Bird’s tree had decided that one bowl of food from his masters (or, as he called them, slaves) wasn’t nearly enough. He needed more food. And he didn’t mind feathers too much. So he clawed his way up the cabinet and over the sink and perched himself on the low-hanging branches that dangled in front of the kitchen window. Something was bound to come by.

Sure enough, within moments, the Bird came into view. It perched itself on one of the higher branches to rest for only a moment.

But suddenly, there was danger. The branches all around her started shaking, pulled down by the weight of the enormous cat flinging himself ever upwards, hissing and miauwing for his prey to do its job and come the rest of the way to him.

Of course, the bird wasn’t having any of that, so she took off, darting through the branches, branches that kept whipping from side to side, either from the wind or from the cat’s advances, until the bird decided it was safer to go down.

So down went the bird, to the cat’s great surprise, and swept, of all things, through the kitchen window, so that she now found herself in a new place. It wasn’t the open air and it surely wasn’t forest, either. It wasn’t even town. There were walls, it seemed, on all sides, closing in on her, no matter which way she flew. In one wall, there was an opening, but beyond that were more walls and just as little space between them.

How had she got here? What was this evil place?

In the third set of closed-in walls, she detected movement and perched herself up on a cabinet to watch. A little boy was playing with something on the ground. It looked like one of those huge metallic monstrocities that fly way up high and hurt when you hit them and make a terrible noise, but this one was much smaller, enough to fit in the little boy’s hand, and the little boy waved it around from side to side, making a noise that wanted to be the airplanes’ terrible racket when it grew up.

Then the little boy looked up and saw the bird.

“Birdie!” said the little boy.

Uh-oh, thought the bird. She knew all too well that humans couldn’t be trusted. So she launched herself off the cabinet and through the door, now even more desperate to find a way out and getting so utterly scared at the walls closing in that she was finding it hard to breathe. So she finally found the front door to the house and bent down next to the keyhole, where she could feel a very thin current of fresh air entering the building.

But the keyhole, sadly, was too close to the ground and the little boy caught her.

“Birdie!” said the little boy in its annoyingly high-pitched voice. “I don’t know why you’d fly away from me. I just want to put you in a cage, a little house all your own just like this one, and that way you can sing a pretty little song for me all day long!”

A cage? The bird tried to conjure up an image of this. It seemed like a space, just like this one, with walls all around, only smaller. A place where the bird could never fly, would never feel the freedom of the wind beneath her wings or even the crushing wetness of the whipping rain.

That was no way to live.

The bird, without another thought, jabbed her beak quite roughly into one of the hands that held her, making the little boy scream its fiendish little lungs out, distracting it for enough time that she could safely get away. At last, having come full circle, the bird returned to the kitchen and found the open window she had just come through and flew back outside—

–straight into the jaws of the cat.

Satisfied, the cat closed his jaws, sinking his teeth through feathers and flesh to her crunchy bones, just as the little boy entered the room and started howling.

“That wasn’t nice, kitty!” screamed the little boy. “I was going to make him my pet. He was going to be your brother!”

But the cat ignored him, enjoying the extra meal. If only the little boy knew how much happier the bird was there in the jaws in this beast than she would have been in a cage.


“Zero”

High school is a fucking nightmare.

Imagine taking dozens if not hundreds if not thousands of hormonal teens and locking them in a room together with adults who are instructed to teach. These kids don’t care. They have no investment.

Middle school is arguably worse.

These kids are stupid. Literally. Cognitive development stalls when the body has better shit to worry about. Like, uh, puberty? Why do you even try getting them to sit still and think? Put those bodies to work so they’ll know how to use them!

And how not to.

Maybe school is for some people. It should be for everyone, but come on—let’s be real. On a fundamental level, it doesn’t appeal to our baser instincts—tries to crush those baser drives under the weight of thousands of years of “Aren’t we better than this?”

What if we’re not?

What if we aren’t better than this?

What if we don’t have to be?

Why are you trying to push this?

There’s a boy at my school who’s in love with me. I don’t know who he is. I don’t know what he looks like. But I know him.

I don’t know what’s happening to me, but I can see inside his mind.

I know when he looks in the mirror. I know what he sees—I don’t see it, hair color or the shape of his eyes, but I know what he sees. I know what he looks at and how he feels about it.

Loathing.

I don’t know who this kid is, but I pity him, the way that he feels about himself, the way that he thinks—that he knows—other people feel about him. It’s inhuman. And all he wants is to connect…

But then he starts thinking of me and in his mind’s eye, I can see all of the things that he wants from me, specifically. Compassion? Of course, but that’s only the beginning. Compassion is not an endgame, it’s the boy’s way in. Compassion, he believes, is the hook—or at least whatever it is in the fish that makes it follow something shiny.

But I am not a fish, and this kid isn’t shiny. Not even enough that I know who he is. I have tried, looking around the cafeteria. Trying to see who looks me in the eye.

I assume that once I’ve looked him in the eye, I’ll know.

But maybe it doesn’t work like that.

Maybe I’ve seen him and I still don’t know.

The things he wants to do to me, the things he wants to do to other girls, to other human beings… What made him this way?

Did we do it, we, with our neglect? But thinking that way is succumbing to gaslighting, it’s the victim embracing the criminal, excusing the crime to blame it on fate. That’s not helpful.

But is it so helpful, then, to lay all the blame on him? From the sound of it, from the feel of it, he has been villified from every angle for a very long time. It’s hard to imagine him having survived this so long with so many people hating him—or even with the belief that they did. Can’t anything be done? Maybe our actions didn’t cause his outlook or desires, but could they stop them? Curb them? Is there nothing to be done?

I keep this self-loathing boy at the back of my mind as I sit with my girlfriends. Kayla knows that I know things, but I don’t want to tell her all I know. I don’t want to burden her. So I just sit and I let them talk and I wonder and wait for a clearer premonition of these terrible things.


You Knew What This Was

CATHERINE: Hey.

DAMIAN: Cathérine…

CATHERINE: You’re leaving already?

DAMIAN: Yes, I…

CATHERINE: What?

DAMIAN: Can I speak with you for a moment?

CATHERINE: Why else would I be here? What is it?

DAMIAN: I’m leaving.

CATHERINE: As in… leaving?

DAMIAN: For New York. Tonight.

CATHERINE: Why?

DAMIAN: It’s uh… it’s complicated. It’s family. Business. The family business, it’s this whole—I don’t know. It’s complicated.

CATHERINE: How long will you be gone?

DAMIAN: The ticket is one way. Not that I won’t come back, but… I’m moving. There. To New York. Permanently.

CATHERINE: When were you going to tell me?

DAMIAN: I wanted to, I just… I don’t know, I kept…

CATHERINE: Damian… when were you going to tell me?

DAMIAN: Listen, Cathérine—

CATHERINE: Oh, God.

DAMIAN: I didn’t want to make a huge deal out of this—

CATHERINE: How is this not a big deal?

DAMIAN: What are you angry about?

CATHERINE: Are you serious? You’re serious.

DAMIAN: Katrientje—

CATHERINE: Don’t you dare!

DAMIAN: No, you’re right, I should have told you. It’s good manners, I suppose. Oh, come on, don’t look at me like that.

CATHERINE: Good manners? Good manners is telling your girlfriend about your moving to another country? How about making her the first person you tell?

DAMIAN: He is a business partner—

CATHERINE: I am your girlfriend! Aren’t I? Do you even want me to come with you?

DAMIAN: Is that what you want? I don’t know how you’d—

CATHERINE: It’s not about wanting, Damian, I—

DAMIAN: I’m not going to ask you to uproot your life—

CATHERINE: Well, good.

DAMIAN: Why do you even care so much?

CATHERINE: It just would have been nice to be consulted. To be told.

DAMIAN: Well, now I’ve told you. Look, I don’t want to leave this on bad terms.

CATHERINE: Why not?

DAMIAN: I will be back—

CATHERINE: Damian.

DAMIAN: No, you’re right.

CATHERINE: Can you at least admit it? That I was only ever a quick fuck to you?

DAMIAN: That isn’t all you’ve been. But yes, our relationship always did have a shelf-life.

CATHERINE: What should I do with this key?

DAMIAN: You could give it to him, I suppose.

CATHERINE: And what should I do with myself?

DAMIAN: Come, now. I may have bruised your pride, but you know as well as I, I haven’t broken your heart. Friends?

CATHERINE: I’ll get back to you.